LLL 005: “Time will tell, Mr. Whitley. Time will tell.”
A magical clock, a locum tenens physician, and Hallmark ~mysteries.~
Hi, WOW, it’s December!
The weeks between Thanksgiving and Chrismukkah feel kind of like a total wash, but the world spins madly on — and so must we. Thankfully, I have these ~delightful~ movies keeping me warm at night (also my cat, Jasper).
One of the things about holidays in quarantine is that I’m constantly watching meet-cutes happen in these movies and I can’t even find anyone (who isn’t my roommate or one of my cats) to have one with. How am I supposed to reconnect with my high school crush or find someone to show me the TRUE meaning of Christmas? If ONLY there was a WAY to meet people on our PHONES without actually being NEAR THEM.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy these six holiday romances as much as I did (or didn’t! No spoilers!). I’ll be acting out meet-cutes with invisible strangers in my living room if you need me.
Wintrily yours,
Sarah
1. A Timeless Christmas 🕰
This period piece meets present-day ROMP opens in 1903. Charles Whitley is an engineer or something and he’s bidding on a clock for his fiancé — it has some cheesy inscription about true love during the Christmas moon (any astronomers who can fact-check this?). It’s v clear he and his fiancé are not actually in love. She’s pissed that he won’t go to her family’s Christmas party, but he’s TOO BUSY. He futzes with the (seemingly broken) clock and gets transported to 2020 where his house is now a MUSEUM. Everyone thinks he’s been hired to play Charles Whitley, but joke’s on them! The reenactors are failing actors (one studied under Strasberg and the other went to Juilliard l o l) + Megan, a history buff. They explain to museum visitors that Charles Whitley DISAPPEARED IN 1903 and no one was ever able to find out what happened to him. (Does that break any time travel rules? It feels kind of weird.)
Charles tells Megan that it’s REALLY HIM — she eventually believes him after he tells her about a secret floor compartment in the house. She doesn’t think anyone will believe them because duh, so they both go along with the he’s an actor playing Charles Whitley thing. Naturally, they fall in love and he doesn’t go back to 1903. He even STOPS THE CLOCK so he can’t be forcefully time traveled again! (Back in 1903, everyone would go on and on about how he was always thinking about the FUTURE, but now he’s all about the PRESENT.) Also, Megan chooses to stay working at the museum instead of becoming a professor like her parents and they are SURPRISINGLY SUPPORTIVE. Also also, the failing actors who play Charles’ butler and fiancé both get cast as the leads in a “Taming of the Shrew” tour (because couples are always booked together).
I enjoy the guy-from-the-past-shows-up-in-the-present storylines as much as the next guy, but these relationships seem VERY (TOO) DIFFICULT and not sustainable. 117 years is a lot to catch someone up on! I’m sure you could be super attracted to someone who zaps in from another century, but can you really have actual conversations with them? Megan had to stop so many times to explain things like COMPUTERS and TVs. (As someone whose life is computers and TV, this would not work for me.) Also, Megan seems especially attracted because he’s a gentleman, but that’s kind of a 1903 thing, right? Is that ENOUGH or even specific to Charles? I guess I still wish them the best, but doesn’t look too promising to me.
Rating: 2.75 out of 4 🕰
2. The Christmas Doctor 🩺
This movie, unfortunately, was not a two-hour-long medical procedural. Instead, it was about Zoe, a doctor who travels from hospital to hospital for short-term placements instead of staying anywhere for too long. She lives on the Upper East Side (fancy!), but she gets assigned to this hospital waaaay upstate in a town called Willowbrook. Of course, moments into her temp gig, she meets a guy, Luke — and MINI SPARKS FLY. They keep bumping into each other and he ends up being the one who’s renting out the house she stays in. Luke’s daughter comes to visit, she bonds with Zoe, and Zoe and Luke slowly FALL IN LOVE.
MEANWHILE, at the hospital, Zoe’s encouraged by the doctor who she’s temporarily replacing (he had surgery) to CONNECT with her patients. She’s not into that at first, but we find out that’s because she got TOO CLOSE to a patient while working as an army doctor (so much army in these) and he died — and now she has to keep her distance for SELF-PRESERVATION. Still, Zoe takes his advice and starts doing house calls, etc. We later find out the doctor she’s replacing chose her because HIS SON WAS THE ONE WHO DIED WHILE SHE WAS TREATING HIM IN THE ARMY. (This made me tear up, TBH. I’m only human!) Anyway, obviously Zoe decides to stay in Willowbrook instead of bouncing around so she can remain with the hospital, the patients, and, duh, Luke.
Like I already mentioned, this one did pull at my heartstrings a little. There were a few other notable things that happened, like when a Salvation Army Santa gets a rash from his beard and carpal tunnel from ringing the bell. (Occupational hazards, I guess.) And when a few of the characters recite a college cheer and it’s SO BASIC AND BAD. They didn’t even try. Oh, there was also a patient of hers who has a MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS that turns out to be… allergies to pots and pans? Anticlimactic, TBH, but I love a medical mystery. ALSO, seeing Holly Robinson Peete unlocked memories of “Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper,” so that was nice.
Rating: 2.75 out of 4 🩺
3. The Angel Tree 🎄
Remember when I said that a Christmas tree with wish-granting powers was a trope last week? THEY MADE A WHOLE MOVIE ABOUT IT. We’re graced with the presence of ANOTHER WRITER who works for “ASPIRE,” which is maybe a publication but also an app that’s launching on Christmas Day. The writer, Rebecca, shows her editor a piece about “The Angel Tree” back home that grants wishes. She saw the magic FIRSTHAND because the angel saved her best friend’s family’s diner! But, sadly, the angel did not grant Rebecca’s wish of staying in Pine River forever, so she’s kind of salty about it. Her dad had to move for a job so she ended up going elsewhere, then staying for college, then getting married and having a kid (her husband has since died). Rebecca’s editor says she HAS to go back home to find out who the angel is and then they’ll publish her scoop FRONT PAGE of… the app! When Rebecca goes back home, she’s v cynical about the whole magic thing (even though she wrote about how it was real? V confusing to me as a viewer). But she finds out that her childhood best friend, Matthew (who LOVES puns), still works at the diner and still is all about the angel. He’s even working for them!
Anyway, as Rebecca puts on her journalist hat and snoops around to find the angel, she and Matthew also fall in love. (Unclear whether or not they had feelings for one another as kids.) Also, Rebecca’s article draws everyone to Pine River to make their wishes and the number of wishes is just too much for the angel to do on their own! Angel and Matthew help out and throw a shindig where everyone can get their gifts (because complications of shipping times, etc.). Even Matthew’s nephew gets his wish that his army mom can come home for Christmas after Rebecca pulls some strings with a past interview subject on the same base (seems like it wouldn’t have been that hard for the mom to do on her own then?). We learn the angel is actually Rebecca’s aunt and her friends, ALSO Matthew, and Rebecca decides to honor their request of not outing them as angels to the public. Rebecca realizes you can WRITE FROM ANYWHERE and stays in Pine River with Matthew and her daughter. Matthew also decides to start his own coffee company or something. The end.
First, I absolutely hate the premise of the tree that grants wishes. I don’t know why these movies’ writers LOVE it so much. What is enjoyable, however, is Matthew’s love for puns. I personally LOVE WORDPLAY and really support his innovation in giving his diner’s coffee options names like “Cool Beans” or “Grounds For Life.” Second, I am SO JEALOUS of these “writers” who get to spend entire weeks writing ONE ARTICLE even though they aren’t actually doing extensive research or interviewing. She’s just getting paid to be all Christmas-y in her hometown. THE DREAM.
Rating: 2.25 out of 4 🎄
4. Homemade Christmas 🧸
Megan is a for-hire Christmas genius who apparently makes money SAVING CHRISTMAS for various hopeless people across the city. She also does lots of charity work because of HER BIG HEART. But a friend who works at one of the charities she helps thinks she needs to get back on that dating horse. This guy who’s supposed to seem PERFECT literally bumps into her and we think for a few moments that THIS IS THE GUY. Instead, the guy is actually Kurt, who owns an ARTISANAL toy store and is working with some fancy investor on a new pitch for more investments. Kurt mistakes CHRISTMAS MEGAN for MARKETING MEGAN when the former shows up to decorate the Christmas tree, but because investor guy likes Christmas Megan, Kurt asks if she’ll work for them and pretend to help with the pitch. She agrees, but only for a specific fee (so she can donate it to charity), and only if she can continue Christmas tasking.
So, Megan and Kurt work together to update the store window display to INCREASE FOOT TRAFFIC and also come up with some brilliant event idea. It’s important to understand that they VERY ACTIVELY play at being snarky with one another the whole time. It is very heavy-handed. Also, Megan wants to be a full-time DIY BLOGGER (of course) and dream guy from earlier wants to help. That’s when Megan learns that KURT GETS HER and DREAM GUY WANTS TO CHANGE HER. Anyway, Kurt ends up rejecting the investor guy because he wants to take the local crafts out of the toy store and SCALE, SCALE, SCALE. In the end, Kurt’s toy partners want Megan to film DIY videos and Kurt gets the funding he needs (through the investor guy before he dipped and… a bank? IDK how money works). Also, THEY FALL IN LOVE. (She writes this blog post about “how to fix a heart” and it’s about him. Ugh.)
This movie wasn’t horrible, but I’m very intrigued by Lifetime’s take on “neurotic” personalities. The characters aggressively telegraph snarkiness — to the point that the conversations have an unnatural rhythm. But because of that and the fact that they don’t want to sell out, they’re apparently NOT AT ALL cookie cutter. Also, Megan makes freelancing look VERY JOYOUS and not at all stressful — but her whole thing is being really good at Christmas. Hopefully becoming a DIYfluencer will keep her busy the other 12 months of the year?
Rating: 2.25 out of 4 🧸
5. Heart of the Holidays ❤️
Sam is a BUSINESSWOMAN who’s SO BUSY she works while doing some Peloton-type cycling. She lives in New York, as all career women do, and has a boyfriend who ONLY CARES ABOUT MONEY. Sam is happy because she’s moving to a new investment firm and might get to support “independent startups.” TURNS OUT her rich boyfriend’s business partner bought the new company and decided to do a bunch of layoffs. Sam’s pissed because A) other people got laid off but she’s safe because she’s one of the owners’ girlfriends and B) this new ownership means she won’t get to do the important work of investing in “independent startups.” She angrily quits and goes home for the holiday to hang out with her mom (but doesn’t tell anyone about quitting).
At home, Sam bumps into the ex she left behind when she moved to NYC, Noah — she apparently just left and didn’t say a single word (we later learn this is because she was TOO SCARED she’d never leave). Basically, she is a monster. But she tries to RETURN to her DO-GOODER ROOTS while at home and falls back in love with her ex. NYC ex she left behind (it’s a pattern) comes to tell her about a non-profit interview he set up for her back in the city (it’s on CHRISTMAS EVE). She goes and thinks she’ll stay there, but, apparently, the non-profit job isn’t “on the ground” enough for her. So, she comes back to her hometown, officially reconnects with Noah, and asks for a job at the local food bank.
What I absolutely LOVE about made-for-TV holiday movies set in New York (well, this one partially was) is how much I can learn about my city. For example, I learned that EVERYONE wears black trench coats, you can’t help people if you live there, the city will always ruin you, and all roads lead to investment firms. As someone who doesn’t work at an investment firm, I find this implication OFFENSIVE, but also I feel like I’d have a brownstone on the Upper West Side and an in-unit washer and dryer if I did?
Rating: 2.25 out of 4 ❤️
6. Christmas By Starlight 🍳
Annie is a family lawyer who works in adoption and, inexplicably, still lives in her parents’ house — which is also the location of their family’s cafe. William works for his dad at some evil real estate company or something. When Annie sees that William’s company is evicting the whole family from the cafe/house, she goes to his office to GIVE HIM A TALKING TO. William’s in HOT WATER with his dad because he’s terrible at his job, so Daddy says he’s going to get him a lawyer to keep watch. William mistakes Annie as the BABYSITTER lawyer — when she explains his mistake, they strike a deal where she pretends to be his lawyer and he saves their cafe. To get this preservation society off William’s dad’s company’s ass, they say they’re going to throw some big fundraising event (Annie’s idea). As they work on planning the event, William slowly becomes a decent-ish person, and he and Annie FALL IN LOVE. There’s a slight hiccup when William doesn’t know if he can stand up to Daddy, but he eventually finds a loophole (making the cafe a historical building… okay), gives some BIG SPEECH at the cafe, and saves the day. GOODNESS AND LOVE PREVAIL.
Okay, so, even though the plot was ALMOST IDENTICAL to Christmas Tree Lane (also on Hallmark), this was actually entertaining to watch. ONLY because the actors actually formed characters and had fairly realistic banter. (I love banter. Banter all day.) They actually seemed like REAL PEOPLE with REAL EMOTIONS — and that is rare for these movies! Probably my favorite line OF ALL was this: “I said nice casual! Not bingo night at the Legion.” The reference didn’t really make sense to me, but she was wearing an ugly Christmas sweater SO I STILL GOT IT. Excellent job, Hallmark.
Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🍳
The Last Line
My roommate and I have this theory that any holiday movie on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries is on that specific Hallmark offshoot because there’s a MYSTERY involved. If you look at these six movies, the two on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries DO HAVE MYSTERIES IN THEM. My original thinking was that the shittier movies go on the secondary channel, but I like this idea a lot better. It feels like Hallmark and I have a SECRET.
This week’s most common tropes:
An idyllic Christmas town (x3)
“Goodbye, BIG CITY! This SMALL TOWN is where I belong!” (x3)
LADY IN RED (at a Christmas party) (x3)
“Wow, that mistletoe came out of NOWHERE!” (x2)
This week’s representation:
1/6 movies had a lead character who was a person of color.
0/6 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+.
0/6 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.
0/6 had a lead character who was differently-abled.
0/6 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.
The actual last line: It’s TRULY REMARKABLE how much better these movies are when the main characters have ANY personality at all. The actors make CHOICES. And they’re ENTERTAINING ones. What a treat.
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