LLL 003: "You know how I feel about trees."
Violins, more violins, and a ~magical~ Christmas convertible.
Hello there!
I’ve officially watched 24 Lifetime/Hallmark/Hallmark Movies & Mysteries holiday movies in under a month (plus a Netflix holiday movie and series). That’s gotta be impressive to someone out there, right? Is anyone impressed? ANYONE?
These movies have taught me important life lessons, like never judging a book (movie) by its cover (title and promo photos). Just because a movie’s called “The Christmas Sport Ball” and shows a bunch of sport-related balls in the promo photo doesn’t mean it won’t have anything compelling for people who hate sports and sporting equipment. You never know! Watching all of these movies has BROADENED MY HORIZONS and made me a better person, and for that I am thankful.
SPEAKING OF THANKFUL (great segue!), I imagine that many of you will be staying home and giving your thanks remotely this year. That means you’ll have PLENTY of time to catch up on these movies and tell me what you think! There WILL be a test the following Monday, and it WILL be worth half your grade.
Enjoy this latest batch of reviews, ya turkeys!
Gobble gobble,
Sarah
1. Never Kiss a Man in a Christmas Sweater 🧶
Maggie is a single mom and teacher who’s preparing to spend Christmas all on her lonesome while her daughter spends time with the ex and his new wife (classic). She sees this guy, Lucas, in YOU GUESSED IT an ugly Christmas sweater and he’s with a kid (his nephew) who falls or something. Maggie and her daughter run over to help and they start chatting. A few days later, Maggie’s trying to carry a tree by herself and knocks the same guy over. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?
Anyway, Lucas has to go to the hospital and somehow needs surgery on his wrist. She feels bad, he needs a place to stay while he heals because he’s out of town, she offers it. Lucas is a lil’ prickly at first, but then they start working together on this event for these kids whose parents are deployed (so much army). They fall in love over gingerbread houses and kiss on a carriage ride. (Even though they’re staying together, we do not see the presumably sexy aftermath of the kiss.) Lucas is trying to figure out if he wants to return to his fancy architect job and Maggie overhears him, misunderstands the convo, and thinks he’s leaving. He was just going back to NYC to move, but she gets all standoffish. (There’s a VERY dramatic montage of them not talking.) They get over it, he stays in town, and they plan to go to Paris.
This entire movie hinges on the nonexistent saying “Never kiss a man in a Christmas sweater.” Even in the context of the movie, this was not a real saying. But what I found most entertaining about this mediocre movie was that the actress playing the main character gets to live out her best LEADING LADY life on Hallmark — even though she’s relegated to roles like the annoying friend in “Something Borrowed” (a personal fave). Good for you, Ashley Williams. I’m glad to see you working.
Rating: 2 out of 4 🧶
2. Christmas With the Darlings 🧩
Jessica is an executive assistant to this fancy lawyer guy, but she’s about to be promoted to ACTUAL LAWYER at his firm. Before she goes, her boss has ONE LAST FAVOR and it’s to transport his nieces and nephew (who are now in his custody) to their boarding school. Jessica is an angel and refuses to let them spend the holidays alone, so she offers to stay with them at the family house. Fancy lawyer boss’ brother, Max, who’s a playboy (apparently also a secret philanthropist?) and works at the family law firm in name only, cuts his skiing trip short to meet up with the kids.
Jessica, Max, and the kids become an adorable lil’ family (Jessica and Max naturally balance each other out but also learn from one another) while Max also proves to his brother that HE CAN HANDLE MORE PROFESSIONALLY. Jessica and Max fall in love and decide to take care of the kids at the house year-round instead of making them go to boarding school. Jessica also decides to NOT become a corporate lawyer with fancy lawyer boss and instead becomes a FAMILY lawyer. Everyone is happy and finds a good work-life balance, the end.
I genuinely thought this was CUTE. Plus, Max is very aware of how much Jessica is out of his league and it’s good when men understand their place. BEST PART, though, is that Jessica’s best friend is GAY and she ends up dating this BARISTA with a KID. First prominent gay character this season!!
Rating: 3 out of 4 🧩
3. A Very Charming Christmas Town 📸
Oh lord. Aubrey is a VLOGGER/BLOGGER (why wouldn’t her name be Aubrey?) who works with her sister. Oh, and she also apparently was a famous songwriter whose songs were sung by very famous musicians. Importantly, her blog is called “Sights, Styles, Songs, and Sweets.” Anyway, Aubrey’s sister finds this REAL-LIFE CHRISTMAS TOWN and asks if she’ll go do a post on it to be published ON CHRISTMAS.
Aubrey goes alone and is a huge brat about being there. She keeps being rude to this guy, Sawyer, who ends up being the only person who can give her a tour. Obviously, she falls in love with Sawyer and the town, and, obviously, her sister publishes Aubrey’s first draft where she wrote about hating the town AND SAWYER. They get over it once she publishes the updated article — and she also encourages the woman who works at the LOCAL INN to sing a new song she wrote (because she was newly INSPIRED) at some Christmas-y event. Aubrey’s sister goes to the Christmas town, too, and everyone’s happy and festive and in love.
A few things. First, THE CHRISTMAS TOWN IS A REAL TOWN and I will definitely go there if there’s a vaccine next winter. Second, I am SO TIRED of the I’M CUTE BECAUSE I EAT CHOCOLATE thing. Third, everyone calls San Francisco “San Fran” — literally everyone — and I don’t think that’s a thing people who live there say? Fourth, why does Aubrey’s sister insist on editing her work? I would be offended if my sister wouldn’t let me publish on OUR BLOG without going through her first.
Rating: 1.75 out of 4 📸
4. The Christmas Bow 🎻
We OPEN on two little kids at a Christmas party at a music store — one is a violinist, and one talks about how bad he is at singing. Believe it or not, THESE ARE OUR LEADS IN THE PAST! We catch up with Kate decades later and she’s a professional violinist who books the Denver Philharmonic right before SLAMMING HER FINGERS IN A DOOR. She fractures her fingers and has to stop playing for six weeks, unfortunately causing her to miss the Philharmonic concert she was going to play in. Kate returns to Boulder to spend the violin-free holiday time with her fam and bumps into Patrick, her buddy from childhood who couldn’t sing… AND ALSO HER PHYSICAL THERAPIST.
Kate and Patrick reconnect through PT exercises and ~festive things~ with Patrick’s cousin’s kid. (The kid is a terrible wingman and keeps calling Patrick out for being into Kate.) They begin to really like each other, but Patrick is in the running for a traveling doctor gig and Kate is always on tour — neither wants the other to give up their thing. Obviously, they both realize they want to stay in Boulder because all they care about is being with each other.
A few noteworthy things to discuss. First, Kate is played by a REAL-LIFE VIOLINIST and Patrick is KOSTAS FROM “SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS.” Also, Kate’s grandpa is possibly the HARDEST WORKING ACTOR in Hollywood because I’ve seen him in three things over the past year. (He was also the original Shredder in “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” which is fun to know.) Also also, Patrick’s mom has Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease (“the most common disease no one’s ever heard of”) and uses a wheelchair. FINALLY, the lead actors actually have CHEMISTRY. They kiss a total of three times in the movie, and all three of those times have more passion than all of the other Lifetime/Hallmark/Hallmark Movies & Mysteries kisses put together. A valiant effort, actors.
Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🎻
5. Holly & Ivy 👯♂️
TBH I really thought this would be horrible, but… I actually TEARED UP. Melody is a recent grad from LIBRARY SCIENCE SCHOOL and she moves next door to Nina. Nina has two kids named Holly and Ivy because she apparently LOVES CHRISTMAS (but I don’t recall this ever actually being discussed?), and she and Melody become best buds. Melody wants to be a librarian (duh), but all the libraries in the neighborhood don’t have the budget for another hire. In more depressing news, Nina finds out she’s likely dying — Melody says she’ll take care of the kids if that happens.
The problem is that Melody can’t afford to fix up the new house (which is a FIXER UPPER TO BE SURE) and won’t ask for help. LUCKILY, she’s gone on a few dates with this guy (PLAYED BY JEREMY JORDAN) who’s a professional builder of houses and stuff. He brings together everyone he knows and they all fix up her house in time for the home inspection required for Melody to take custody of the kids. (There’s also a B story about doing what you love versus doing what’s practical.) A year passes, Nina dies, and Melody gets to officially adopt the kids (this is where I teared up). The lil’ family is all cute in the renovated house and the guy’s about to propose. Happy ending (except for Nina)!
One really fun thing about this movie is that the two lead women are played by villains from teen TV shows. The actress who plays Melody also played Mona on “Pretty Little Liars,” so I was very used to seeing her be scary and murderous and faux sweet. Her character in this movie was very damaged and very obsessed with Nina’s family — if they changed up the editing a bit and added in spooky music, it absolutely would’ve worked as a horror movie in parts. Mona/Melody/Janel Parrish can be VERY SCARY.
Rating: 3 out of 4 👯♂️
6. Christmas on the Vine 🍷
We looooove a character who works in ~marketing~. Apparently, Brooke is a *very* skilled marketing exec. She asks if her next client can be this small winery in her hometown so she can soak up some of that small-town magic over the holidays. Naturally, the guy she’s working with, Tyler, is someone she remembers from high school.
Brooke is not especially good at marketing — her best ideas are a special holiday wine blend (which she finds a recipe for in Tyler’s grandpa’s notes) and a cheesy commercial where she dresses up as an elf and Tyler dresses up as Santa. (She thinks this’ll play REALLY well in Portland and Seattle.) OH to be celebrated for mediocrity. Anyway, Brooke and Tyler fall in love and she saves their small winery from having to sell to a bigger wine company. SMALL BUSINESS WINS AGAIN.
Aside from Brooke’s professional mediocrity, there were three things that really bothered me. First, the winery has a Christmas Eve deadline of accepting the bigger winery’s offer to buy them out. I know these movies aren’t realistic, but couldn’t they have TRIED to make this sound more plausible? Like, the first day after the New Year? Or maybe the last *working* day before Christmas? Second, Brooke talks about how much better her sister’s life is than hers just because she’s in a relationship even though she’s an EXECUTIVE who’s getting paid to barely work in her hometown. Third, Brooke says her “heart isn’t in marketing.” 🤔
Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🍷
7. Christmas on Wheels 🚗
Ashley and Duncan get off on the WRONG FOOT at an auction — Ashley is an antique dealer (I think?) and Duncan is in real estate law. Their paths cross again when Ashley goes home after her uncle breaks his ankle because Duncan is her uncle’s real estate lawyer. (Small world!) Apparently, Ashley’s uncle sold her mom’s old red convertible with Duncan’s help because it wasn’t working. Ashley’s v sad because, before her mom died, they used to drive around in the convertible and give people gifts over the holidays.
Ashley and Duncan go on a road trip to try to locate the car and get it back. Once they find the car and the owner gives it back to her (nice guy!), we discover that the car is magic (?) and randomly plays old-timey Christmas songs (??). Fast forward through some other stuff and we learn the car can only move when people who love each other are in it… but nobody really explains the logic or seems all that surprised? (I guess Ashley’s uncle doesn’t love his girlfriend and the other owners were loveless as well?) Also, wasn’t there a v scary horror movie where a car was alive and did murdery things? Or do we think this is more of a “Herbie: Fully Loaded” situation? Anyway, Ashley and Duncan fall in love (duh), so they can drive the car. The movie ends with them dancing in front of the car, which very clearly has a mind of its own (DANGER). (I would’ve preferred a flying convertible a la “Grease.”) I don’t believe they kiss AT ALL, which is disappointing.
Tiya Sircar, the actress who plays Ashley, was in one of my fave Lifetime movies last year, so I love her. That said, I had pretty low expectations given the whole CAR OF IT ALL. (I didn’t think a movie about cars would RESONATE with me because I don’t care about them and I can’t even drive them legally.) Thankfully, Tiya is delightful to watch, and the movie was much better than I anticipated (aside from the unexplained magic car thing). ALSO, a man who works at a tree farm mentions his HUSBAND. Also also, importantly, I used to have a compulsion where I would whisper “red convertible” under my breath every time I saw one. I know that sounds pretty benign, but it was very distressing when a lot of red convertibles would pass by!
Rating: 2.75 out of 4 🚗
8. Christmas in Vienna 🇦🇹
Jess is a violinist who’s lost the JOY of playing. Still, she gets to perform with the Vienna Philharmonic (another Philharmonic!) over Christmas, so she takes the opportunity for a little vacay. She meets up with her Austrian roommate from college who now works as a babysitter for this diplomat guy’s kids. The sort-of diplomat (he’s actually a minister?), Mark, separately bumps into Jess and they share a moment IN THE SQUARE amidst ~festive Vienna things.~ They even look back at one another once they walk away, which everyone knows is the universal sign for “I’d hit it.” They bump into each other again at some fancy event and Mark is randomly very rude to Jess… I guess we later find out it’s because of EMOTIONAL WALLS? It just felt rude to me!
Anyway, Austrian roommate ends up getting the chance to sell her crafts in this Christmas fair and asks Jess if she’ll watch the kids for her during the day. Jess agrees and takes the kids along with her as she sightsees. They have a grand ol’ time and Mark starts inviting Jess to additional outings with the family. Jess also teaches the youngest kid violin and seems to get back into it herself. Once Jess and Mark begin falling in love, she finds out Mark was offered a job in Zurich that would get him one step closer to being an actual diplomat. But since true love prevails, he ends up staying (the fact that he doesn’t want to uproot his kids seems secondary) — but only after getting mad at Jess for suggesting he stay (because of his kids). They make up, he says he wants to be with her and will let down the walls, and, of course, Jess joins the Vienna Philharmonic. (The Austrian roommate also gets a boyfriend, so good for her!)
This movie was NOT GOOD, but I did enjoy seeing what’s-her-face from “Grey’s Anatomy” and the creepy host from “UnReal.” Aside from that, I really did not sense any romantic vibes between the leads in about 80% of the movie. Sure, being closed off could mean you’re not necessarily allowing for CHEMISTRY, but he’s just kind of obnoxious and uptight. I’m genuinely not sure why Jess is interested, unless it’s because of the tiny little kernels of affection he gives her every once in a while. Either this was bad acting or Jess needs to unpack this with a therapist.
Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🇦🇹
The Last Line
I have no idea how these channels determine their holiday programming given the number of movies they have to schedule, but it feels like we’re entering ~PRIME TIME~ and shit’s about to get real good. We’re starting to see some LGBTQ+ characters and the first-ever Lifetime and Hallmark movies with LGBTQ+ leads are coming in the next few weeks. (We’ll probably have to wait another decade or so to see any queer women leads, ugh.) Plus, Melissa Joan Hart’s RETURN TO THE LIFETIME SCREEN happens just over a week from now and she’s DEFINITELY a headliner. (Candace Cameron Bure WHO?)
This week’s most common tropes:
“I’ll love these youths as if they were my own!” (x4)
“We met as CHILDREN and now we’re in love as ADULTS!” (x3)
“Goodbye, BIG CITY! This SMALL TOWN is where I belong!” (x3)
Uninspired creator finds inspiration through ~love~ (x2)
This week’s representation:
4/8 movies had a lead character who was a person of color.
0/8 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+ (but 1 supporting and 1 side character were!).
0/8 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.
0/8 had a lead character who was differently-abled (but 1 side character was!).
0/8 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.
The actual last line: Why would Hallmark release two (2) movies about violinists and Philharmonics in under a week? And why, oh why would one star a real violinist and the other one not? The mind REELS.
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