LLL 007: “Pine trees are the new therapist.”
Christmas charms, queer love, and the ONLY Hanukkah movie of the season.
Hello, holiday hotties!
We are officially in the final stretch. The LAST of these movies premieres on December 22nd — CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Do you feel the mAgIc Of ChRiStMaS yet? Does my inconsistent capitalization give you whipLASH?
Since we’re getting ~so close~ to the end of these cinematic wonders, I will be sending not one, not two, not three, but FOUR (abbreviated) newsletters this week — including this puppy. The second will come out on Monday, the third on Wednesday, and the fourth on Friday (aka Christmas). AND YES, this means I will be watching a ridiculous number of movies between now and Friday.
There’s nothing (and I mean nothing) I won’t do for my CRAFT and my READERSHIP.
See you again in two days (!),
Sarah
P.S. If you haven’t seen A Recipe for Seduction, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND. It’s 13 minutes of branded content bliss. Never have I respected KFC more. (Still salty they didn’t give it a Christmas-y title, but nobody’s perfect.) 🍗
1. If I Only Had Christmas (Hallmark) 👠
Darcy is a publicist in Kansas City who is RUDELY overlooked for a very important ~publicist award.~ She also, believe it or not, LOVES CHRISTMAS. There’s drama that happens with this CEO of a big organization in New York and they’re looking for pitches. Darcy’s pitch is REJECTED, so she reaches out to them and offers her services PRO BONO to this charity the org is involved with. The VP of communications, Glen, agrees RELUCTANTLY and sends her to Connecticut to help.
When Darcy has her first meeting with Glen, she doesn’t realize it’s him and calls him a CURMUDGEON (which we know is the worst of the worst Christmas-y insults). So, duh, they got off to a bad start. But as she works her PR MAGIC and plans this gala for the charity, THEY FALL IN LOVE. Problem is, he actually LIED TO HER and he’s secretly the CEO who got roasted in the news. She’s pissed, but she gets over it, he says he’s going to open a new HQ in Kansas City so he can live near her, and he offers her the VP of comms job. LOVE and LUCRATIVE CAREERS. What more can you ask for?
As much as I hate to admit it, Candace Cameron Bure is SOMEWHAT DELIGHTFUL. I guess that’s why she’s HALLMARK’S STAR. Other than her slight appeal, this movie was pretty vanilla and not especially compelling. I did enjoy the random and annoying musical theatre guy. Also, it feels like they tried to force a connection to The Wizard of Oz (peep the title). She wears ruby-red shoes and the charity is Emerald something? WAIT — is Glen (the lying CEO) the wizard? That doesn’t make sense. I’m still confused.
Rating: 2 out of 4 👠
2. The Christmas Listing (Lifetime) 🏠
Stop everything! Julia’s a REALTOR and we have not had one of those yet! Lifetime’s branching out! Anyway, Julia’s dad is sick and her sister screwed up and didn’t make sure all his bills were paid — he’s in danger of losing the house. To help, Julia tries to get this HUGE Christmas listing (THE TITLE) of this popular inn in her neighborhood. Unfortunately, her ARCH NEMESIS competitor, Chad, is also trying to get the same listing. For some inexplicable reason, the owners of the inn force the realtors to STAY AT THE INN FOR FIVE DAYS to earn the listing. Because that’s clearly how real estate works.
Julia and Chad get closer, stop being mortal enemies, and even KISS UNDER THE MISTLETOE at the request of the innkeepers. They’re def into one another, but then Chad ends up finding an owner. Julia overhears the conversation and thinks he’s screwing her over/manipulating her. He tries to explain and offer her half of the commission, but she’s UNREACHABLE. Turns out the prospective owner was going to TEAR DOWN the inn, so Chad shows up at Julia’s house to see if she can help him void the contract. (She’s v surprised because before he seemed ALL ABOUT MONEY.) He’s able to void the contract and ends up BUYING the house… with JULIA AS HIS REALTOR. He even gets down on one knee to ask, which is very confusing. Chad tries to kiss Julia, but she says let’s not complicate things — then he pulls out mistletoe, and apparently, that makes it okay for her to kiss him.
My biggest GRIPE with this movie is that there is NO WORLD in which a couple selling a property would host an almost week-long event to determine who’d be their realtor. They also held a huge meeting of various realtors when the news first broke that they were selling, which is weird. I guess this listing was a MAJOR GET? It was unclear. Why an independent realtor and BIG-BUSINESS realtor would both be gaga over it.
Rating: 2 out of 4 🏠
3. Let’s Meet Again on Christmas Eve (Lifetime) 🎄
Minutes into this movie, I KNEW it was a very loose ripoff of An Affair to Remember and I was IMMEDIATELY HOOKED. Corinne and Rob are college sweethearts and VERY in love (so says the narrator). Rob gets into this fancy two-year photography workshop (can it even be called a workshop if it’s two years?) in Italy — Corinne says he needs to go and follow his dreams, but he doesn’t want to leave her. She says he has to. Corinne brings up this old rumor that the ornaments on their campus tree were actually gifts from this old shoemaker, Bernard, to WOO his beloved. She wasn’t into him, but after five years, the ornaments won her over (always seen as romantic in movies but v pushy and weird IRL). So, Corinne writes out a contract on an old postcard ornament that says they’ll meet up in two years on Christmas Eve at midnight if they still want to be together — if one of them doesn’t show up, it wasn’t meant to be.
We fast-forward to SEVEN YEARS LATER and Corinne is some fancy event planner at a big agency in San Francisco. She gets the GIG OF A LIFETIME planning the vow renewal of this billionaire couple — a gig that she uses to force her boss to make her a partner if she does a good job. She has to fly to Connecticut for the job, which is where she went to college. ROB IS THE EVENT PHOTOGRAPHER. After waiting FOREVER to find out why he never showed up, we learn it’s two kinda conflicting reasons: he thought the “contract” was just a weird ruse to break up with her (?), and he thought she was dating her married-to-a-man boss (??). They obviously fall back in love, but Corinne thinks that Rob’s decision to throw away his half of the contract proves that it’s not TRUE LOVE. Turns out that Uncle Bernie, who leads the ceremony and is related to the couple renewing their vows, is actually THE OLD SHOEMAKER. He spins up some CHRISTMAS MAGIC and puts the two halves of the contract in stockings for Corinne and Rob. They find the halves and rush to meet one another at the tree on Christmas Eve, the night of the event, at midnight. FIVE YEARS after they planned to. Kiss, together forever, roll credits.
Aside from a few weird things (Rob’s inconsistent reasoning for not showing up, Bernie’s magical powers, the fact that Bernie was CELEBRATED for pursuing someone who wasn’t interested for five years), I REALLY ENJOYED THIS. This could just be a me thing, though, because it’s so clearly inspired by An Affair to Remember. (Corinne even mentions the movie!) Also, Kyla Pratt is a gem. I do wonder, though, if Lifetime had to spend a lot of money just so they could say Google, Snapchat, and Uber? Doesn’t that cost money, and isn’t that why lots of these movies don’t use actual company names? IDK.
Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🎄
4. Christmas in Evergreen: Bells Are Ringing (Hallmark) 🔔
Okay, so it’s important to state right off the bat that this is the FOURTH IN A SERIES and I did not watch any of the prior ones. Basically, all of the people in the image above have FOUND LOVE in Evergreen, a town that, duh, LOVES CHRISTMAS. There’s really not much more than that to say, other than the fact that this one mostly centers around Hannah and her boyfriend Elliot as seemingly the ENTIRE TOWN prepares for Michelle’s (Holly Robinson Peete AGAIN) wedding to Thomas. (The actor playing Thomas clearly couldn’t fly in to film because COVID, so he’s only in it via FaceTime.)
The main conflict is that Hannah seems to do literally everything (including helping Michelle open an EVERGREEN MUSEUM) and Elliot wants to open a second location of his store in Boston. So, they temporarily break up, then realize they should stay together. Also, there’s some drama with the museum because it used to be a HAT FACTORY and the former operator of said factory doesn’t like that his old building is being repurposed. He is also the brother of these very old twins with top knots, and they are exceptional. Anyway, hat factory guy ends up finally understanding that it wasn’t his fault that the factory failed and gives his blessing to the museum. Also also, Michelle and Thomas have to reschedule their wedding because of a snowstorm. The end.
EH is my general feeling about this movie. Maybe I would’ve been invested in the characters if I had seen the other ones? It was essentially two hours of montages from prior movies and some new stuff that wasn’t compelling. EH.
Rating: 1.25 out of 4 🔔
5. Christmas She Wrote (Hallmark) 📰
THE HALLMARK GODS HAVE ANSWERED MY PRAYERS AND WE HAVE ANOTHER JOURNALIST MOVIE. Kayleigh is somehow a therapist-turned-journalist who writes a self-help/live your best life column in a New York newspaper. Tripp’s the new editor who lays her off early in the movie because of budget constraints. Kayleigh’s upset (NATURALLY) and goes home to visit her sister for the holidays. The owner of the newspaper tells Tripp he’s in BIG TROUBLE because Kayleigh is one of the most popular columnists — and that if he isn’t able to get her back, he’s fired. He goes to Pinebury to win her back, but she’s decided to start a new Christmas column (methinks this column doesn’t have a long shelf life) for the Pinebury Press. The column is ~interactive~ and involves lots of events, so Kayleigh forces Tripp to take part in them if he’s going to be so insistent on bringing her back to New York.
Maybe you already SAW THIS COMING, but Kayleigh and Tripp start to really like each other. But he ends up moving Kayleigh’s best friend from full time to freelance at the paper, and the BFF warns her that Tripp’s only there because he’ll get fired otherwise (which, true?). Kayleigh helps Tripp see that he’s been TOO FOCUSED ON NUMBERS AND BUDGETS and he decides to quit the paper to become a journalist NEAR PINEBURY. It’s kind of weird because they’ve never actually shared that they had feelings for one another. Also, Kayleigh’s ex is back from Haiti (the trip he called off their engagement for) and tries to win her back. But they weren’t MEANT TO BE, so Kayleigh and Tripp kiss and end the movie in ~journalistic bliss.~
Throughout this whole movie, I just kept trying to remember why Sabrina was so into the character this guy played on “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”? She almost chose HIM over HARVEY? I still don’t get it decades later. Seeing Winnie from “Wonder Years” was fun.
Rating: 2.75 out of 4 📰
6. The Christmas Setup (Lifetime) 🚂
It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The FIRST-EVER LGBTQ+ Lifetime Christmas movie! And FRAN DRESCHER! Hugo is a big-time New York lawyer who really wants to become a partner. He goes home for the holidays and his mom makes sure he’s there when Patrick, this guy from his high school, drops off their Christmas tree. (They def liked each other back in high school, but Hugo wasn’t out yet.) Patrick is only working on the Christmas tree farm to help his dad out after making a VERY POPULAR APP and becoming v rich.
Hugo and Patrick begin to FALL IN LOVE, but Hugo ends up being offered partner at the LONDON OFFICE. This temporarily derails the relationship until Hugo makes this big speech at a Christmas-y event about realizing he belongs at home. This obviously makes Patrick v happy and they kiss for a long time while Fran Drescher takes photos of them. Also, Hugo’s best friend comes back home with him and gets with his brother. Also also, Hugo and Patrick find out that a PROMINENT TOWNSMAN who worked at the local train station was gay, too.
When you compare this movie to Hallmark’s first LGBTQ+ one because WHY WOULDN’T YOU, this one is FAR AND AWAY superior. First, it actually focuses on a gay couple, and second, it’s just a better story. The one thing my ROOMMATE (the Supporting Lady of Lifetime) called out is that there were a lot more suggestive jokes (I remember one about balls most specifically) in this one than others. I personally liked this because I LOVE INNUENDO, but she wondered why the ONE LGBTQ+ movie on Lifetime had more ~provocative~ language. Lifetime caaaaaan be a LITTLE edgier than Hallmark, but IDK of their intentions here. Does anyone know the writer? Can we call them up? (Also, friendly reminder that the first LGBTQ+ movies on Hallmark and Lifetime were about cis gay men.)
Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🚂
7. A Little Christmas Charm (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries) 💎
Holly (HOLLY) is a ~jewelry designer~ who works at a vintage store in THE VILLAGE with her best friend. They’re sorting through donated clothes and find a CHRISTMAS CHARM BRACELET in the pocket of a jacket. Holly, who is a jewelry aficionado, KNOWS that whoever lost this bracelet must be missing it — CHARM BRACELETS ARE VERY PERSONAL. So, she goes on a jOuRnEy to determine who the owner is. Greg is a reporter for a puff-piece newspaper and is looking for his contribution for the “Holiday heroes” spread. He and Holly keep bumping into one another (classic) and he eventually coerces her into agreeing to be the subject of his piece.
As Holly and Greg INVESTIGATE who the owner of the charm bracelet is, they, of course, start to fall in love — even though Holly made it VERY CLEAR that this was purely a professional arrangement. (He v much broke her rules of no research over romantic dinners.) Only snag is that Greg is BURNT from a past investigative piece gone wrong and momentarily bails on the search so he can find an easier story to cover. Eventually, he goes back to helping her, they find the owner of the bracelet using iNvEsTiGaTiVe SkIlLz, and they find out about the woman’s love story with her HUBBIE. Holly and Greg reconcile and kiss at the TAIL END of the movie, right in front of the Christmas Tree.
Fun fact: I watched this at 5am TODAY because I didn’t realize it wasn’t already in my spreadsheet of movies to watch. TIME IS LIMITED. Anyway, this movie made me think a lot more about charm bracelets than I have in YEARS. Are they still a thing? Do people REALLY pay thousands of dollars for charms like they talk about in this movie? More importantly, should I get a charm bracelet? Also, I really find it hard to believe that someone would be able to track a stranger down based on charms alone — even if they’re consulting jewelry experts and a faux Google called Reacher.
Rating: 2 out of 4 💎
8. Love, Lights, and Hanukkah! (Hallmark) 🕎
This movie is essentially a two-hour long commercial for Ancestry.com — I say Ancestry.com specifically because that’s one of the companies that “presented” it. ANYWAY, after Christina’s adoptive mom dies, she decides to take a DNA test to learn more about her ancestry. But BOY is she in for a surprise because she’s actually JEWISH. A relative who also took the test emails her and they end up meeting. They want to figure out how they’re related, so she invites Christina to her mom’s house for brunch. You won’t believe this, but the mom is CHRISTINA’S BIOLOGICAL MOM.
Christina is so LOST in her newly discovered Judaism and looks to her biological family to show her the ropes. She knows literally nothing about Hanukkah, so her family breaks it down REAL SLOWLY for her. She also helps THEM learn about CHRISTMAS. (What’s interesting is that her biological mom’s house seems to be decorated solely in Christmas decorations with Hanukkah colors. I’ve never seen Hanukkah garlands and wreaths before, but maybe I need to get out more!) While she’s getting to know her fam, she also falls in love with this food critic, David, who called her restaurant’s lasagna “predictable” in a past review. In the end, David decides to write his book from home instead of in Italy so they can be together, and Christina learns the Hanukkah prayer.
This movie was VERY CLEARLY meant to teach THE GOYIM about Hanukkah. It very much had a Sesame-Street-explains-Judaism vibe. As someone who grew up celebrating BOTH Hanukkah and Christmas, I liked seeing both holidays in one movie. But I CANNOT stand how every single one of these movies that claim to be about Hanukkah spend a LARGE CHUNK of the time focused on Christmas. Also, like I said earlier, a lot of the ~Hanukkah things~ seemed to be ~Christmas things,~ just in blue and white. Are they nervous that Hallmark and Lifetime audiences are too Christmas-obsessed and no one would watch? Whatever the reason, it’s annoying — don’t put Hanukkah in the title if you’re going to give just as much attention to Christmas. ALSO, Jenny from “The L Word” and Cory Matthews aren’t very good at acting.
Rating: 1.5 out of 4 🕎
The Last Line
I’ve been REFLECTING a lot on this v Hallmark/Lifetime idea of “anything can happen at Christmas.” Where THE HELL did that notion come from? Maybe I’m jaded because I’ve never fallen in love during the winter months, but is there a LARGE FACTION of people who’ve had their dreams come true over Christmas? And what is Christmas magic? Is it that people still believe in Santa even though literally NONE of it adds up? Well, as was said in the iconic movie The Santa Clause, “Seeing isn’t believing — believing is seeing.” And maybe THAT’S the true meaning of Christmas: sheer and utter disregard of logic.
This week’s most common tropes:
An idyllic Christmas town (x4)
An InTeRruPtEd KiSs (x2)
“Let’s disrupt people’s holidays with a CHRISTMAS WEDDING!” (x2)
Naysayer comes around to the ~true~ meaning of Christmas (x2)
This week’s representation:
2/8 movies had a lead character who was a person of color.
1/8 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+.
1/8 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.
0/8 had a lead character who was differently-abled.
1/8 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.
The actual last line: I have watched 53 of these movies. I can’t tell if that’s me being productive or the very opposite of productive.
TY for reading! If you were forward this email, subscribe here.