LLL 002: “But how do you make that a listicle?”
Royal families, weird startups, and one *excellent* movie title.
Happy Friday!
We made it through another week of 2020… only seven more to go. What I appreciate most about the passage of time (other than 2020 finally ending) is that now other people are starting to watch holiday movies, too. I watched my first one at the end of October, BEFORE HALLOWEEN, because of the sheer volume of made-for-TV holiday movies nobody asked me to watch before the end of the year. Now that it’s essentially mid-November, I’m far from the only one. And you’re all in this with me. 🙂
I also watched A LOT of these movies last year. But now that I’m watching ALL of them, I firmly believe I could write, produce, and star in a fairly successful Lifetime, Hallmark, or (don’t forget!) Hallmark Movies & Mysteries made-for-TV holiday movie. If anyone knows any investors, I’m open to at least having a conversation.
As I begin storyboarding my contribution to the genre (my magnum opus), please enjoy this installment of reviews. Thank you for your patronage.
Christmas wishes and mistletoe kisses,
Sarah
P.S. Donate to the Georgia Democratic Senate candidates if you can, and sage a bunch or pray to Stacey Abrams (whatever your thing is) for a majority.
1. Candy Cane Christmas 💐
Phoebe CANNOT STOP TALKING about this Christmas event she’s been going to every year of her life. Sorry, Phoebs — no more Candy Lane this year. Phoebe’s best friend (who she co-owns a plant shop with called “Seeing Green,” of course, and who has an infinitely better personality) says STFU about Candy Lane and find a new tradition. So, she starts doing all of this volunteering (okay, I guess she’s a decent human) and keeps crossing paths with, DUH, a handsome man.
Eric’s a vet and seemingly an angel, but he got out of a really bad breakup a year ago. His co-worker friend (who’s absolute trash but entertaining) keeps trying to hook him up with people. Anyway, there’s a misunderstanding where Phoebe thinks he’s in a relationship (he bought poinsettias for his aunt from the store but Phoebe thought they were for a girlfriend), but they eventually realize they both like each other. It’s almost ruined when Phoebe overhears trash co-worker talking about Eric’s ex reaching out, but then Eric goes WAY TOO OUT OF HIS WAY to RECREATE Candy Lane at his aunt’s retirement home. It looks pretty good considering, but apparently he couldn’t get Santa. They find some hidden pocket between trees and FINALLY KISS.
Honestly, I didn’t hate this one. It almost felt like a normal romcom, only at the last minute they decided to make it completely G-rated and air it on Lifetime. (The way trash co-worker talked made me think they reigned his character in: “Hayley doesn’t have to be your soulmate, but maybe you can have a couple nice dinners with her.”) Mostly, I enjoyed the animals at the vet (there was a very cute cat scene) and the best friend who kept Phoebe’s annoying Candy Lane-obsessed ass in check.
Rating: 3 out of 4 💐
2. One Royal Holiday 👑
WHAT A TREAT seeing Broadway actors in a Hallmark made-for-TV holiday movie. Apparently Laura Osnes, the lead actress, won some musical theatre competition reality show and got to play Sandy in “Grease” on Broadway, but this is what she’s doing with her career now. Aaron Tveit, of course, we all know as Alice Ripley’s ghost son.
ANYWAY, Anna is a nurse who basically acts like a Disney princess (no flaws, always cheerful, annoying). She’s driving home to her dad’s inn in a CHRISTMAS TOWN and stops at Hallmark’s version of Dunkin Donuts (they’re in Boston). This prince, James, is also randomly there (with his quarantine hair) — along with his queen mom (king has passed) and righthand guy. There’s about to be a snowstorm and their flight gets canceled. Anna offers to drive them to the inn so they can stay there until they fly out. At first, James is like OH NO I’M A PRINCE I CAN’T DO THIS and he’s a brat about literally everything.
Eventually, James sees the magic of a NON-ROYAL Christmas, and, duh, they fall in love. (They also discover that Anna was actually the king’s nurse when he was really sick and incognito in Boston, so that kind of sealed the deal.) So do Anna’s best friend (the mayor!) and James’ best friend/righthand man. (Side note: The queen talked to the mayor as if they were on the same level of royalty and I found that very endearing.) Part of them falling in love involves singing Christmas carols and everyone, inexplicably, is a Broadway-caliber singer. BUT LITERALLY NO ONE SAYS A WORD. If someone started singing next to you and magically could sing like a GD angel, wouldn’t you like… widen your eyes or something? Or is it more polite to just pretend you don’t notice?
Anyway, he has to fly back to his made-up European country, Galwick, to give a speech (which he completely screwed up the year prior) and he does it PERFECTLY because he’s FOUND LOVE. Obviously, he flies back in time for the Christmas ball Anna and the town put on at the inn.
Rating: 2.75 out of 4 👑
3. Cranberry Christmas 🍒
There’s just something about a movie with a character who runs a “lifestyle brand” that makes my ears perk up, but, unfortunately, Dawn is not an influencer like I was hoping. She instead seems to be some kind of Martha Stewart deal who started from the bottom (selling ornaments at a Christmas festival) and now she’s here (featured in a segment on daytime television). Dawn and her husband, Gabe, are sadly on the outs. He’s a cranberry farmer and that’s what he cares about — she’s all about her LIFESTYLE BRAND. They don’t know how to fix things, so they decide to take some time apart.
The problem is that they both show up at their town’s big Christmas festival, and fake Oprah (I deduced this because she has a daytime talk show PLUS her own channel and is beloved) wants to film the whole thing. They don’t want people to know about their separation (which seems very NOT official), so they put on an act for the cameras. Of course, somewhere along the way, they ~rekindle~ the flame. Fake Oprah also offers them their own TV show, and instead of letting it tear them apart like every other professional venture in their past, Dawn finds a way for them to film the cranberry farm’s expansion instead of focusing only on the LIFESTYLE BRAND (which Gabe HATES and steps down from in the movie).
As vanilla as the plot was, I actually enjoyed it (despite what I predicted based on the promo photo and title). Seeing a separated couple work through their problems and reconcile made me feel a little… warm and fuzzy? (This is porn for kids of divorce like me.) I also learned that when the characters are genuinely dealing with pain or a conflict bigger than OH NO, I ONLY HAVE A WEEK TO PLAN A CHRISTMAS BALL, I care INFINITELY more about them.
Rating: 3 out of 4 🍒
4. The Christmas Aunt 💌
We love to see Rudy Huxtable in a Lifetime movie, a predominately Black cast (first I’ve seen this season), and a lead who isn’t stick thin. We truly do. But the movie itself was… not great.
Rebecca works at an art gallery (she’s some sort of assistant?) and she works HARD. Her sister and her husband are going to Africa because rates are cheaper before the holidays and their mom, who was supposed to babysit the kids, breaks her leg and can’t really do anything. Somehow Rebecca is able to get two weeks off of work STARTING THAT DAY, under the guise of “working remotely.” Yes, Rebecca answers a few texts and calls, but there is NO WAY she actually gets any work done. This is because she has to somehow make Christmas not suck for her niece and nephew (get it? THE CHRISTMAS AUNT) — a task which involves putting together 12 days of Christmas fun.
She ends up bumping into her childhood best friend, Drew, but they haven’t really spoken since Drew unceremoniously dropped her. You see, Drew was dating this awful person who said he couldn’t be friends with Rebecca anymore — turns out it was because HE WAS IN LOVE WITH HER. Anyway, obviously, they fall back in love and she ends up leaving her LA gallery job and moves back home to Nashville, where she becomes a curator for a local art center.
My theory with these movies is that the actors never get enough time to actually sit with a character and give them any sort of dimension. Can one really make ART from a script like this? Anyway, Rudy Huxtable did her best. And she is GD delightful (even if her primary motivation is BE A GREAT CHRISTMAS AUNT).
Rating: 2 out of 4 💌
5. On the 12th Date of Christmas 📱
Before I get into the review, one thing. I’m *always* here for a made-up startup. But I genuinely have never heard of a company that just does… marketing via scavenger hunt? Is the ROI pretty good on that? Should I consider it for this newsletter?
Anyway, Jennifer is an employee at this weird scavenger hunt startup who LOVES CHRISTMAS. She really wants this “head game creator” promotion, but she also apparently “doesn’t exactly speak up at work” according to her roommate. Jennifer is convinced that baking a shit ton of cookies will get her everywhere she wants to go, but the only place her grandma wants her to go is away from the big city and BACK HOME. She gets placed on this big project for a fancy hotel with this really unpleasant tech bro named Aidan. He is truly every male product manager you’ve ever worked with, but for some reason he’s also a “game creator.”
Jennifer and Aidan have to come up with the “12 dates of Christmas” to get people excited about the hotel. Aidan works better alone, but Jennifer is best at collaborating. CONFLICT. Eventually, they start working really well together and… wait for it… FALL IN LOVE. Aidan also wants the promotion (because his sister’s house needs repair and his dad needs surgery) and is sure he got it once their boss asks to talk to him about the job. (Typical tech bro.) It’s actually JENNIFER who gets it. (I literally wrote in my notes: “GIRL POWER.”) Aidan gets another promotion, duh, but he’s taken off creative (because the man did not have a creative bone in his body).
As much as Aidan is truly the worst type of tech bro/mediocre white male, I kind of enjoyed the departure from the sunshine-y characters in most of these movies. Jennifer, on the other hand, was definitely dealing with impostor syndrome and IT RESONATED. In general, this movie should be oddly familiar for anyone working in tech.
Rating: 3.25 out of 4 📱
6. The Christmas Yule Blog 🌵
Where do I begin? With a title like “The Christmas Yule Blog,” you’d think I’d be all over this like icing on a sugar cookie. YOU’D BE WRONG. Before we get into what actually happened, I have a few bones to pick with the writer of this movie. This character is meant to be a fairly prominent travel blogger based out of San Francisco, right? Travel blogging isn’t exactly an easy kind of job to get — especially the kind that has an entire office and pays for your travel. So, you’d think that she’d be good at writing. Or even at least okay at writing.
The thing is… THIS TRAVEL BLOGGER DOESN’T WRITE. People tell her they love reading her stuff and that she’s a great writer. She even says the following lines: “I’m a writer. I understand subtext.” But all we see are iPhone videos with some photos edited in! I would get it if the videos were PART of a written blog post, but there is zero evidence of that. And she does not prepare AT ALL for any of the posts. They’re just off-the-cuff videos. Reminder: SHE IS A WRITER, not an influencer. Has the whole world gone topsy turvy?
Anyway. This pretend writer (by the way, Lifetime’s website says “social media travel writer” and that is NOT how it’s explained in the movie), Caroline, apparently isn’t writing about travel ~from the heart~ enough. So, her editor sends her to this small New Mexico CHRISTMAS TOWN (which is also where she’s from) to cover this “famous” Christmas parade. The trip ends up just being a ruse because her boss wants her to… understand the true meaning of Christmas? And maybe hook up with her brother? It’s unclear, but we know that before the trip, Caroline doesn’t have time for Christmas (classic). But it’s her editor’s brother, Oscar, who opens her eyes up to the MAGIC OF SMALL TOWN CHRISTMAS.
Caroline turns down her DREAM JOB at a major magazine to keep “travel writing” from New Mexico with Oscar and his son. Also… Santa is 100% real and co-owns an inn with his wife. This is only sometimes the case in other Lifetime movies, so I don’t think they all live in the same universe (although last year’s Winter Storm Meghan would make you think otherwise).
Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🌵
7. A Welcome Home Christmas 🇺🇸
This movie was 100% built around the idea that people love watching YouTube videos of soldiers returning home and being reunited with their dogs. Because they do! It pulls at the heart strings! Why not make a whole movie around that?
While Chloe doesn’t really strike me as a particularly capable soldier, she got back from deployment about a year ago. She finds herself a temporary gig providing counseling to veterans transitioning back into civilian life. (That doesn’t feel at all like a temporary gig to me, but okay!) But since it’s totally okay to shirk all professional responsibilities around the holidays, Chloe is spending more time volunteering than doing her actual job (which is a really cool job that also helps people?).
Chloe’s next case is Michael and he’s having trouble acclimating. They decide to start a toy drive and call it “Operation Santa Claus” and go on and on about how great of a name it is (it’s not). Nobody wants to donate, so they use Chloe’s Little Sister (like from a Big Sister/Little Sister program) to manipulate people into contributing. I found that morally reprehensible, but it’s for a good cause I guess?
Anyhoo, they fall in love, yada yada yada, but also somehow the REAL SANTA replaces their hired fake Santa who calls in sick and then also brings the Little Sister’s parents home from war. THEN Michael is reunited with his dog from the war. So wholesome. So patriotic.
Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🇺🇸
8. The Christmas Ring 💍
ANOTHER MOVIE ABOUT A WRITER. I must have done something great in a past life to deserve this. Kendra is a writer of listicles and quizzes for a fake BuzzFeed site called “Quizzer.” She has two main personality traits: she wants to be a REAL JOURNALIST and she LOVES sugar. Anyway, Kendra’s parents died and she hasn’t been able to find her mother’s engagement ring, so she searches for it at every antique store she comes across. She finds a very similar ring with an inscription and knows there must be a STORY.
Kendra asks her boss if she can write the ring story instead, and she says no because she only cares about clicks and ad space (she actually says these things). So, Kendra takes a few personal days to research on her own time and her investigation takes her to Pine Grove, MA. Kendra keeps bumping into this guy and it turns out he’s the grandson of the ring’s owner (now deceased, along with her husband) and the ex of a real estate development heiress (Tiffany Trump?), Michael Jones. At first he thinks she’s only there to interview him (which, to be fair, Quizzer wants to do and her editor requests she does once she hears he’s involved), but then he decides to help her investigate. In the end, they figure out why the ring was sold (long story) and fall in love. (They also kiss for the first time with an entire 40 minutes left! A record!)
Kendra writes her article and turns it in the way she wants it to be, but in a move I saw from a mile away, the editor rewrites it to make it all about Michael’s drama. Michael gets mad, duh, but Kendra quits her job and gets Michael’s sister-in-law (the editor-in-chief of the local paper!) to publish her REAL article. Kendra ends the article with a request to meet her at the dance that culminates a week of Christmas events (where Michael’s grandparents met and got engaged). He meets her, they make up, and he gives her back the ring — on a chain as a necklace, RELAX. Kendra says she’s starting an online mag like Michael suggested (so easy!) and Michael says he’s moving to Boston (where she lives) to start a new real estate venture. (Also, Michael’s brother doesn’t sell the family’s general store and that’s important, too.)
Rating: 2.75 out of 4 💍
The Last Line
My biggest takeaway after watching 16 of this year’s made-for-TV holiday movies is that all of these characters have families and friends who are WAY TOO invested in their romantic lives. If they so much as mention someone of the opposite sex (they’re all straight), someone raises their eyebrows suggestively or says something like “I’ve never seen you this happy.” IT’S VERY BIZARRE. The thirst is unquenchable.
This week’s most common tropes:
An idyllic Christmas town (x4)
No one cares if you do any work ever when it’s Christmas! (x3)
“You’re telling me… Santa’s real?” (x2)
Naysayer comes around to the ~true~ meaning of Christmas (x2)
This week’s representation:
3/8 had a lead character who was a person of color.
0/8 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+.
1/8 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.
0/8 had a lead character who was differently-abled.
0/8 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.
The actual last line: I want to be a journalist in a Lifetime movie. It seems so easy, both in terms of the work itself and finding love while working. Let me know if anyone’s hiring.
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