We have officially come to the END of the Leading Lady of Lifetime newsletter (V SAD). I have now watched 73 made-for-TV holiday movies — that’s ALL of the 2020 offerings from Lifetime, Hallmark, and, of course, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries. Except for ONE, that is, which airs TONIGHT AT 8PM (RUDE), after which I’ll leave a review on my Instagram. (I’m sending this newsletter right now WITHOUT the last movie because I figure this is a better read at the START of Christmas vs. the end.)

You might be wondering what I learned throughout this whole ~experience,~ and I’m gonna tell ya! Here are a few of the biggest lessons I’ve taken away from these two months of cOnTeNt:

• You NEVER know what could happen at Christmas!

• Prioritizing a few-week relationship is ALMOST always more important than achieving life-long career goals.

• You can 100% fall in love with someone without going on any dates ever or even kissing.

• A year-round Christmas store is a WORTHY venture.

• Conflicts will ALWAYS be resolved in under two hours.

• Carousels, merry-go-rounds, keys, charm bracelets, and coins are all pOwErFuL aphrodisiacs. 

• You might be SECRETLY ~in love~ with your high school best friend/ex/crush/arch-nemesis.

• All men in New York work in FINANCE. (Most women do, too.)

• When you make a WISH on a Christmas tree, *wishing horse,* or submit one to your local Project Christmas Wish, it WILL come true (unless it’s to stop your family from moving out of town for work).

• Your parents WILL understand if you don’t continue working in the family biz of hardware sales/veterinary care/carousel restoration/local politics.

• That person who was MEAN to you is actually WONDERFUL (once they realize they want to bone you).

• Celebs from the ‘90s and ‘00s make the BEST heroines. 

• Lifetime, Hallmark, and Hallmark Movies & Mysteries audiences are apparently more receptive to queer men than they are queer women. (More queer romances in 2021!)

• These producers only care a LITTLE about representation in general, and even LESS about holidays that aren’t Christmas (or Christian).

The bottom ~festive~ line is that I’ve TRULY enjoyed this ride with you all, and I APPRECIATE everyone who’s subscribed and read each issue. Happy holidays, and stay tuned to my IG for MORE CONTENT LIKE THIS — and more takeaways from this important jOuRnEy.

Until next time,
Your Leading Lady of Lifetime, Sarah

1. Christmas on the Menu (Lifetime) 🥧

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: Lifetime LOVES movies about chefs and food critics, if this movie + Love, Lights, Hanukkah are any indication. Josie is a CHEF known for her v LA (gluten-free, vegan, gross, etc.) pastries, but her ROOTS are in COMFORT FOOD. She’s trying out a dessert recipe for her mom’s new bistro at their family’s B&B (is that the same as an inn?) and TANNER RHODES, a critic who previously gave her a BAD review, shows up. Tanner LOVES the red velvet cheesecake pie she’s working on, so he books a weekend at the B&B to… it’s unclear? It’s partially to learn the secret ingredient and partially because he finds Josie ENDEARING even though they’ve only had negative interactions? IDK. Anyway, we head to BIG BEAR for a weekend of critics, food sampling, and LOVE (but not without incident) between Josie and Tanner — which is a HUGE conflict of interest, right? This movie was decent!

Rating: 2.75 out of 4 🥧

2. Christmas Carousel (Hallmark) 🎠

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: ANOTHER FRIGGIN’ CAROUSEL. This movie was… meh? Lila is a part-time art teacher/part-time carousel restorer with her dad (okay). She’s not sure if she wants to go for a PROGRAM DIRECTOR role at her school or go full time with her dad. Lila and her dad are invited to made-up European country 29012339 to restore a carousel (one that the dad’s grandfather inexplicably built) for the king’s granddaughter. Naturally, Lila falls in love with Prince Whitaker as they connect over ART. (He dresses like a Clip Art painter when he’s in ~art mode.~) Lila helps the prince realize he can BE HIMSELF while leading, and the king finally comes around to accepting him as he is (informal, etc.). Lila and her dad end up staying in the made-up European country because the prince gives them both jobs: Lila as program director at the art school he’s building, and dad as full-time carousel restorer (okay). Everyone’s happy — even the dad because he gets FRIENDLY with someone who works at the castle. But they don’t really talk at all about Lila becoming queen?

Rating: 2 out of 4 🎠

3. Swept Up by Christmas (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries) 🌟

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: This one was really a sLoG to get through, mostly because there was so much MEANING and not enough LEVITY. Gwen is an ANTIQUE DEALER who’s interested in buying out the company she works for when her boss retires. Reed is the co-founder of Dirt Force One, a ~BRILLIANTLY~ named cleaning crew of veterans. They’re both hired to get an old estate from Gwen’s youth ready for selling — but, at first, they’re not into working together because it wasn’t a POSITIVE experience the last time. THIS time, THEY FALL IN LOVE, and the owner of the estate helps Gwen get the WINNING BID for her company. Reed was gonna move so he could launch a second location of his BIZ, but he decides NOT TO because of LOVE. This really has ZERO of the ingredients I look for in a hOlIdAy RoMaNcE. Also, the title… blech.

Rating: 1.5 out of 4 🌟

4. A Christmas Break (Lifetime) 🚌

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: This was almost the EXACT SAME MOVIE as Spotlight on Christmas, only the genders are swapped, the school is running out of money, and the characters are less endearing. Addy is a PRINCIPAL at a middle school and Dylan is an ACTOR on the brink of becoming a has-been. They went to school together and ALMOST dated, but Dylan left for Juilliard (sure) without saying goodbye because he was TOO SCARED he wouldn’t actually leave. The middle school is about to close AFTER CHRISTMAS BREAK (it seems v unlikely anyone would do that in the middle of a school year, but dRaMa, am I right?) because there’s no more money, so Addy calls Dylan’s manager to see if he’ll direct their play for publicity + donations. He agrees, they reconnect and fall in love, and a viral video of Addy talking to the school board SAVES THE DAY. This movie was fine, but the cHeMiStRy was lacking for me. Also, if you watched “Degrassi,” it’s VERY IMPORTANT to know that Mr. Simpson is in this.

Rating: 2.25 out of 4 🚌

5. Project Christmas Wish (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries) 🐴

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: I really liked this one!! I think that’s mostly because THE STAR is from Center Stage, one of the most ICONIC films of the early aughts. Lucy works at a home store with her bestie but ALSO runs Project Christmas Wish, which is essentially Make-A-Wish but make it Christmas (and not exclusive to people who are sick). A little girl wishes that she and her dad, Lucas, can celebrate Christmas LIKE THEY USED TO when her mom was alive. Lucy’s dad died when she was little, so she connects with the little girl and wants to make her Christmas EXTRA SPECIAL. As she helps the fam get into the ~Christmas spirit,~ she and Lucas, duh, fall in love. What’s UNUSUAL for Hallmark (Movies & Mysteries), though, is that the conflict isn’t some manufactured BS like a misinterpreted overheard phone convo — it’s actually Lucas feeling unsure about being ready to date again. Also, it’s FUNNY IN PARTS. ACTUALLY FUNNY. The wide range in quality of these movies is TRULY REMARKABLE.

Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🐴

6. The Christmas High Note (Lifetime) 🎵

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: This one is a perfect example of how BAD these channels are at naming movies… or maybe really GOOD if you like literal AF. Anyway, there’s a ~Christmas high note~ to be sung and Rachel, a singing teacher and part-time helper at her dad’s vet, works with a teenage girl to get her voice ready for a Christmas pageant solo. She also, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, falls in love with the dad, Michael. You’d think their relationship would just CRESCENDO from there, but NO — Rachel’s goofy/terrible ex shows up to try to win her back (but it’s only to serve his own ulterior motives). This momentarily puts a FERMATA on their relationship, but they reconcile after Rachel forces everyone at the Christmas pageant to listen to her SPEECH about LOVE. No one was particularly good at singing in this movie, though, which was upsetting.

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🎵

7. Christmas at the Castle (Lifetime) 👃

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: This was, objectively, a VERY BAD movie. It’s the cinematic equivalent of scrapple: They assembled the WORST bits and pieces of all the movies and threw in some of the worst actors, too! Blaire is a sales manager for a LEADING perfume company in New York with an evil boss. She’s about to lose her job because sales are terrible, but then she encounters a SANTA on the street and soon after finds a PRESENT at her door: a perfect perfume from Scotland. Blaire tells her boss and then is sent to go license the formula for her company and meets the EARL, Alistair, whose mom created the scent/all their scents. They, of course, fall in love, and Blaire ends up creating her own scent and selling it to a company. We never exactly learn if the Santa on the street was behind the perfume delivery and if he was, in fact, THE REAL SANTA. Also, all of the “Scottish” people in Alistair’s family inexplicably have English accents (not sure if this is because no one can do a good Scottish accent or because English accents are a bit easier to understand for unfamiliar ears?). ALSO ALSO, these two actors are HORRIBLE and have ZERO chemistry. Truly awful movie.

Rating: 1 out of 4 👃

The Last Line

The more of these movies I watched, the more I came to realize that there weren’t just OVERARCHING formulas — but the SMOLLER pieces of each movie were also HEAVILY repeated. It’s like the producers of these movies guessed a shit ton of lottery numbers featuring the same six numbers in various combinations. Most of them will be DUDS, but maybe JUST MAYBE, one will be a winner. And we did have some… kind of winners! Some were okay! Some were even kind of better than okay! The moral of the story is that the more you throw at a WALL, the more will STICK. If you shoot for the MOON, even if you MISS, you’ll land among the STARS. Or something. Anyway, valiant effort (sometimes), Lifetime, Hallmark, and Hallmark Movies & Mysteries.

The most common tropes of these seven movies:

• Relationships with rOyAlTy (x2)

• “You’re telling me… Santa’s real?” (x2)

• “Do this by [holiday] OR ELSE!” (x2)

• 🎶 Kiss me, it’s beginning to snow 🎶 (x2)

Representation in these seven movies (really horrible):

• 0/7 movies had a lead character who was a person of color.

• 0/7 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+.

• 0/7 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.

• 0/7 had a lead character who was differently-abled.

• 0/7 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.

The actual last line: HAPPY HOLIDAYS! 🎁 💫 🎉 See you… soon?

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Welcome to the SECOND-TO-LAST Leading Lady of Lifetime newsletter of 2020. I’ve watched 66 of these movies in the last 1.5 months and TBH (because why wouldn’t I be honest with YOU, dear reader) I’m kind of looking forward to NOT watching them. 

As BEAUTIFUL AND COMPELLING as they all are, I don’t think they’re the BEST way to hang on to reality when time feels meaningless and human interaction is minimal? I’m p. sure the next time I encounter a rOmAnTiC sUiToR I’m either going to run away or tell them I love them after knowing them for approximately one hour and 45 minutes. Also, I was bad at flirting before quarantine… can you imagine how TERRIBLE I will be once seeing people is a thing again?

Okay, enough about ME — here are the six made-for-TV holiday masterpieces I watched in the last 48 hours. Enjoy, friends.

Nearly Christmas’d out,
Sarah

1. Spotlight on Christmas (Lifetime) 🕶

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: I actually kind of liked this one! Olivia is a HOLLYWOOD STAR (she looks A LOT like Taylor Swift in the actual movie) who goes through a VERY PUBLIC breakup with a seemingly English country singer. So, she runs away to her hometown to get out of the SPOTLIGHT (wow, movie title) and ends up reconnecting with Casey, a former high school crush and current high school teacher. He tells her that they had to cancel the Christmas Eve play (is this common?) because the drama teacher is going on mAtErNitY lEaVe. Because duh, she volunteers to pick up where the teacher left off and DIRECT THE SCHOOL PLAY. (The play ends up being terrible, so I wouldn’t quit your DAY JOB, Liv.) Anyway, there are a few hiccups when Olivia goes MIA after her ex forces a photo opp of them kissing (he PLANTED one on her) and Casey has to help the kids get ready for the play WHILE thinking she and country singer are reconciling. Olivia tells him the TRUTH and they kiss and decide to be together fOrEvEr. The acting wasn’t horrendous in this (excluding the kids in the play), so I was picking up what they were putting down.

Rating: 3 out of 4 🕶

2. A Glenbrooke Christmas (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries) 🚒

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: I don’t think I can even put into words HOW BORING I thought this movie was. Jessica is a RICH woman who’s part of a FAMILY DYNASTY of rich corporate types — she decides to go to her mom’s childhood neighborhood to CONNECT with her parents who passed when she was little and hear the bells (GLENBROOKE LORE has it you can make a wish on Christmas Eve when the bells ring). She meets Kyle, a fire chief and VERY boring person. He starts out really gruff and MEAN and then very quickly ~CHANGES HIS TUNE~ and seems attracted to Jessica. She lies about who she is because she doesn’t trust anyone, he gets mad, then she raises enough money to fix the broken bells (they stopped working, which almost RUINED CHRISTMAS) by inviting her RICH FRIENDS to a student art show. I was so bOrEd the entire time, mostly because the actor who plays Kyle is REALLY BAD.

Rating: 1.25 out of 4 🚒

3. Cross Country Christmas (Hallmark) 🐄

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: IT’S *SO* GOOD TO SEE RACHAEL LEIGH COOK AGAIN. I honestly wasn’t sure it was her at first because she still looks 25. ANYWAY, this movie is genuinely very dElIgHtFuL. Lina and Max know each other from high school and find themselves STRANDED at an airport halfway home for the holidays due to a snowstorm. They work together to get home and HILARITY ENSUES. This movie has everything: jilted women dressed as elves, cows, farming apps… YOU NAME IT. Max was a jerk at first, but he was going through A LOT so I guess it’s soooomewhat understandable? Also, the actor playing Max was in one of these movies last year and I somehow remembered him. (These actors are my ~FAMILY.~)

Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🐄

4. Christmas Comes Twice (Hallmark) 🎠

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: Okay, so I get that time travel is an INHERENTLY COMPLICATED subject. But is it IMPOSSIBLE for Hallmark to give it the ol’ college try? Especially given a lot of the focus of the movie is around SCIENCE? Basically, Cheryl goes back in time to 2015 with the help of a MERRY-GO-ROUND because she’s kinda lost at her fancy DC job. While she’s back in time (the week she decided to take her current gig), she falls in love with George (same actor from Christmas on Wheels!), the frenemy from high school she always competed against. She ends up getting transported back to 2020 via merry-go-round (she seemed surprised that happens again?) and GEORGE WAS WAITING FOR HER ALL THAT TIME. That doesn’t make sense, right? Everything else stayed EXACTLY the same. I don’t get it. Gotta love seeing Tamera, though.

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🎠

5. Unlocking Christmas (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries) 🗝

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: This was a weird one. Kate is JUST starting her orthopedic fellowship and Kevin JUST got back home from the Air Force, but Kevin’s parents think it’s a PERFECTLY appropriate time to set them up with a fancy key + riddles situation (it’s elaborate and would never happen IRL). Turns out his parents had the SAME THING happen to them when they were dating! The best part is that both Kate and Kevin turn down REALLY GOOD opportunities (dream fellowship for her and a job he would love) for one another BEFORE even kissing. This movie taught me what ~true~ love is: sacrificing EVERYTHING before you’re even sure about someone. 

Rating: 2 out of 4 🗝

6. A Christmas Exchange (Lifetime) 🎩

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: This movie is CLEARLY ripping off The Holiday, which is a personal fave of mine. Molly and Patrick swap houses (Westport, CT for London) for a few weeks because they both want SOMETHING MORE out of life. Molly’s trying to find a CHARMING Englishman to fall in love with like in the movies, and Patrick is a workaholic who has no life. (He quits his job because a quasi-girlfriend reminds him he only cares about work? IDK.) Anyway, they’re both UNEMPLOYED (Molly is laid off because PRINT IS DEAD) and spend thousands to travel ACROSS THE COUNTRY on a whim. Somehow this works out really well for them because they fall in love (and Molly inexplicably becomes the editor for her favorite author) — but only after Patrick pretends to be SOMEONE ELSE out of panic when Molly doesn’t realize who he is when he shows up (he’s in town for a CHRISTMAS WEDDING) and he courts her under FALSE PRETENSES. This movie is VERY straight-to-DVD but trying to feel like a cinematic release. Also, when I first saw the promo photo, I genuinely thought this was from the early 2000s but NOPE it’s CURRENT.

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🎩

The Last Line

Do you ever think about the Mowrys? I DO, especially when I see them on TV. What I find FASCINATING is that Tamera and Tia have both been on Lifetime AND Hallmark, but Tamera recently signed a contract with Hallmark and Tia signed one with Lifetime. Do we think this ever causes TWIN DRAMA over the holidays? Like, does Tia give Tamera shit because Lifetime is clearly SUPERIOR? And, importantly, WHERE IS TAHJ?

The most common tropes of these six movies:

• An InTeRruPtEd KiSs (x3)

• “We met as CHILDREN and now we’re in love as ADULTS!” (x3)

• Local man shows city woman the beauty of ~slowing down~ (x2)

• “Goodbye, BIG CITY! This SMALL TOWN is where I belong!” (x2)

Representation in these six movies:

• 2/6 movies had a lead character who was a person of color.

• 0/6 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+.

• 0/6 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.

• 0/6 had a lead character who was differently-abled.

• 0/6 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.

The actual last line: I think these channels should only cast actors from the late ‘90s and early ‘00s (MJH4life) to DELIGHT millennial viewers and I guess also semi-revive their careers.

TY for reading! If you were forwarded this email, subscribe here.

‘Tis the week we’ve all been waiting for — and the week I’ve been watching movies about since October (lord). WE DID IT.

Since this is one of three (3) newsletters this week, I’m going to keep this a little shorter and ~breezier.~ That way, you’ll have more time to EAT COOKIES or WRAP PRESENTS or rewatch A Recipe for Seduction or whatever you plan on doing. I give you the GIFT OF BREVITY.

Now, let us uNwRaP all that Lifetime, Hallmark, and (of course) Hallmark Movies & Mysteries have given us in these next six movies.

Giddyup and keep reading, jingle horse! (Does anyone know what a jingle horse is?)

Festively yours,
Sarah

1. Christmas Ever After (Lifetime) 📖

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: We all know I love a movie about a writer, but this one’s about a ROMANCE NOVELIST which is extra FUN. The whole premise is around the writer, Izzi, almost running into this guy with her car, Matt, who looks identical to the painted man on the cover of her books — and they, of course, fall in love. Also, it’s the first Lifetime or Hallmark made-for-TV holiday movie starring a differently-abled person (about GD time)! This movie is imperfect, but Ali Stroker is a delight to watch. She is way more entertaining than her love interest. My one open question is why bowling is such a THRIVING activity in their town? 

Rating: 3 out of 4 📖

2. Time for Us to Come Home for Christmas (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries) 💌

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: This movie (PRODUCED BY BLAKE SHELTON) is another one about an inn and featuring an ensemble cast (like Five Star Christmas), but everyone is brought together by MYSTERIOUS INVITATIONS (and free inn stays). The movie mainly focuses on why they were all invited. I 100% thought it was going to be Santa or some other ~Christmas magic~ thing, but it ended up just being the former owner of the inn. BORING. Also, speaking of boring, this is NOT Lacey Chabert’s best work. She didn’t really develop her character at all, which was insulting because her character’s name is Sarah. She falls in love with the NEW inn owner, and we learn about how everyone’s lives intertwined on one night in the ‘80s. Again, pretty boring. But love the choice to name the main character Sarah.

Rating: 2 out of 4 💌

3. The Santa Squad (Lifetime) 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: Allie gets LAID OFF (relatable) from her art teacher job and turns to her friend at the community center to find work. She ends up working on a “santa squad” for this v wealthy man, Gordon, and his two unrealistically precocious kids. (Notably, Gordon has a CARTOONISHLY MONSTROUS girlfriend who hates his kids and seemingly Christmas.) This was SO vanilla and boring, but the kids were kind of enjoyable. Also, the emotional transition Gordon undergoes happens WAY TOO FAST. I have a hard time believing his ENTIRE approach on parenting would shift just because some blonde comes over and calls out that the kids are neglected.

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧

4. Inn Love by Christmas (Lifetime) 🏨

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: Mandy, a regional manager for a hotel chain, and Lucas, a Wall-Street-bro-turned-chef (okay) are former high school competitors and are now competing to buy the inn in their hometown. Mandy lives in Florida and Lucas has recently moved back home — which is basically the crux of ALL CONFLICT in the movie. Anyway, they fall in love, blah blah blah, and Lucas withdraws his bid so Mandy can buy the inn for her hotel chain (not a win for small business). Mandy decides she’s going to move to New York and commute to and fro, so they’ll be seeing A LOT more of each other. Maybe I’m inn’d out, but this was NOT AT ALL compelling for me. I DID, however, enjoy the opening scene because her outfit was very “Miami Vice.” I think Lifetime just googled “fashion + Miami,” but at least they tried!

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🏨

5. Lonestar Christmas (Lifetime) ⭐️

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: TBH, I don’t think I’m the target demographic for any movie with “lonestar” in the title, so take all of this with a GRAIN OF SALT. Erin is a single mom with two kids, a FULFILLING occupational therapy job (she has really bad boundaries with one patient), and a VERY STRAINED relationship with her father. Her kids want to visit her dad for Christmas, so she begrudgingly agrees, but then gets triggered by every little mistake her dad makes. (He wasn’t around much during her childhood because he was working, but we don’t really know HOW absent he was.) Anyway, Erin meets this chef guy, Mateo, and they… wait for it… FALL IN LOVE over tamales. Erin also somewhat reconciles with her dad, which was a nice moment. Otherwise, I was VERY BORED the whole time — these dumb movies NEED comedy!

Rating: 1.5 out of 4 ⭐️

6. A Sugar & Spice Holiday (Lifetime) 🍪

Quick ‘n dirty thoughts ‘n feels: This movie is noteworthy because it’s the FIRST-EVER Lifetime movie about an Asian-American family (that’s absurd). Suzie, the main character, pictures everyone she engages with as FOOD — which is FUN for the Lifetime graphics department. She’s a SUCCESSFUL LA ARCHITECT who goes back home for the holidays and is coerced into participating in a gingerbread-baking competition (because her grandma, who died, taught her everything she knows) while she’s supposed to be designing a pitch for a client. Suzie reconnects with her high school LAB PARTNER, Billy, who she had feelings for back in the day (which were reciprocated). They fall in love, but Suzie gets a PROMOTION because of her client pitch and has to move to AUSTRALIA. She offers CROSS-PLANET LONG DISTANCE after she and Billy realize they’re in love, and… Billy says I’ll just move with you? Before they even KISS? IDK, there were parts of this I really liked, but I just fundamentally DO NOT understand agreeing to move across the WORLD for someone you haven’t even kissed yet. Also, the coworker who she’s up against for the promotion is a racist POS and isn’t really called out for it.

Rating: 2.25 out of 4 🍪

The Last Line

These movies often like to throw in a FUN and QUIRKY comic-relief character, but about 95% of the time, it’s some of the WORST, MOST INDICATING-Y ACTING I’ve ever seen. It’s like Hallmark and Lifetime know they have to include certain ingredients and just kind of JAM them in. One-liners are NOT a personality (as much as I’ve tried to make that happen).

The most common tropes of these six movies:

• An InTeRruPtEd KiSs (x4)

• An idyllic Christmas town (x4)

• “All I want for Christmas is this HOLIDAY-THEMED INN!” (x3)

• If you spend the holidays ALONE, you’ll fall in LOVE (x2)

Representation in these six movies:

• 2/6 movies had a lead character who was a person of color.

• 0/6 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+.

• 0/6 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.

• 1/6 had a lead character who was differently-abled.

• 0/6 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.

The actual last line: Fun fact: I don’t believe I’ve ever stayed at an inn over the holidays. Maybe that’s why I’m still single.

TY for reading! If you were forwarded this email, subscribe here.

We are officially in the final stretch. The LAST of these movies premieres on December 22nd — CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Do you feel the mAgIc Of ChRiStMaS yet? Does my inconsistent capitalization give you whipLASH?

Since we’re getting ~so close~ to the end of these cinematic wonders, I will be sending not one, not two, not three, but FOUR (abbreviated) newsletters this week — including this puppy. The second will come out on Monday, the third on Wednesday, and the fourth on Friday (aka Christmas). AND YES, this means I will be watching a ridiculous number of movies between now and Friday. 

There’s nothing (and I mean nothing) I won’t do for my CRAFT and my READERSHIP.

See you again in two days (!),
Sarah

P.S. If you haven’t seen A Recipe for Seduction, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND. It’s 13 minutes of branded content bliss. Never have I respected KFC more. (Still salty they didn’t give it a Christmas-y title, but nobody’s perfect.) 🍗

1. If I Only Had Christmas (Hallmark) 👠

Darcy is a publicist in Kansas City who is RUDELY overlooked for a very important ~publicist award.~ She also, believe it or not, LOVES CHRISTMAS. There’s drama that happens with this CEO of a big organization in New York and they’re looking for pitches. Darcy’s pitch is REJECTED, so she reaches out to them and offers her services PRO BONO to this charity the org is involved with. The VP of communications, Glen, agrees RELUCTANTLY and sends her to Connecticut to help. 

When Darcy has her first meeting with Glen, she doesn’t realize it’s him and calls him a CURMUDGEON (which we know is the worst of the worst Christmas-y insults). So, duh, they got off to a bad start. But as she works her PR MAGIC and plans this gala for the charity, THEY FALL IN LOVE. Problem is, he actually LIED TO HER and he’s secretly the CEO who got roasted in the news. She’s pissed, but she gets over it, he says he’s going to open a new HQ in Kansas City so he can live near her, and he offers her the VP of comms job. LOVE and LUCRATIVE CAREERS. What more can you ask for?

As much as I hate to admit it, Candace Cameron Bure is SOMEWHAT DELIGHTFUL. I guess that’s why she’s HALLMARK’S STAR. Other than her slight appeal, this movie was pretty vanilla and not especially compelling. I did enjoy the random and annoying musical theatre guy. Also, it feels like they tried to force a connection to The Wizard of Oz (peep the title). She wears ruby-red shoes and the charity is Emerald something? WAIT — is Glen (the lying CEO) the wizard? That doesn’t make sense. I’m still confused.

Rating: 2 out of 4 👠

2. The Christmas Listing (Lifetime) 🏠

Stop everything! Julia’s a REALTOR and we have not had one of those yet! Lifetime’s branching out! Anyway, Julia’s dad is sick and her sister screwed up and didn’t make sure all his bills were paid — he’s in danger of losing the house. To help, Julia tries to get this HUGE Christmas listing (THE TITLE) of this popular inn in her neighborhood. Unfortunately, her ARCH NEMESIS competitor, Chad, is also trying to get the same listing. For some inexplicable reason, the owners of the inn force the realtors to STAY AT THE INN FOR FIVE DAYS to earn the listing. Because that’s clearly how real estate works.

Julia and Chad get closer, stop being mortal enemies, and even KISS UNDER THE MISTLETOE at the request of the innkeepers. They’re def into one another, but then Chad ends up finding an owner. Julia overhears the conversation and thinks he’s screwing her over/manipulating her. He tries to explain and offer her half of the commission, but she’s UNREACHABLE. Turns out the prospective owner was going to TEAR DOWN the inn, so Chad shows up at Julia’s house to see if she can help him void the contract. (She’s v surprised because before he seemed ALL ABOUT MONEY.) He’s able to void the contract and ends up BUYING the house… with JULIA AS HIS REALTOR. He even gets down on one knee to ask, which is very confusing. Chad tries to kiss Julia, but she says let’s not complicate things — then he pulls out mistletoe, and apparently, that makes it okay for her to kiss him. 

My biggest GRIPE with this movie is that there is NO WORLD in which a couple selling a property would host an almost week-long event to determine who’d be their realtor. They also held a huge meeting of various realtors when the news first broke that they were selling, which is weird. I guess this listing was a MAJOR GET? It was unclear. Why an independent realtor and BIG-BUSINESS realtor would both be gaga over it.

Rating: 2 out of 4 🏠

3. Let’s Meet Again on Christmas Eve (Lifetime) 🎄

Minutes into this movie, I KNEW it was a very loose ripoff of An Affair to Remember and I was IMMEDIATELY HOOKED. Corinne and Rob are college sweethearts and VERY in love (so says the narrator). Rob gets into this fancy two-year photography workshop (can it even be called a workshop if it’s two years?) in Italy — Corinne says he needs to go and follow his dreams, but he doesn’t want to leave her. She says he has to. Corinne brings up this old rumor that the ornaments on their campus tree were actually gifts from this old shoemaker, Bernard, to WOO his beloved. She wasn’t into him, but after five years, the ornaments won her over (always seen as romantic in movies but v pushy and weird IRL). So, Corinne writes out a contract on an old postcard ornament that says they’ll meet up in two years on Christmas Eve at midnight if they still want to be together — if one of them doesn’t show up, it wasn’t meant to be.

We fast-forward to SEVEN YEARS LATER and Corinne is some fancy event planner at a big agency in San Francisco. She gets the GIG OF A LIFETIME planning the vow renewal of this billionaire couple — a gig that she uses to force her boss to make her a partner if she does a good job. She has to fly to Connecticut for the job, which is where she went to college. ROB IS THE EVENT PHOTOGRAPHER. After waiting FOREVER to find out why he never showed up, we learn it’s two kinda conflicting reasons: he thought the “contract” was just a weird ruse to break up with her (?), and he thought she was dating her married-to-a-man boss (??). They obviously fall back in love, but Corinne thinks that Rob’s decision to throw away his half of the contract proves that it’s not TRUE LOVE. Turns out that Uncle Bernie, who leads the ceremony and is related to the couple renewing their vows, is actually THE OLD SHOEMAKER. He spins up some CHRISTMAS MAGIC and puts the two halves of the contract in stockings for Corinne and Rob. They find the halves and rush to meet one another at the tree on Christmas Eve, the night of the event, at midnight. FIVE YEARS after they planned to. Kiss, together forever, roll credits.

Aside from a few weird things (Rob’s inconsistent reasoning for not showing up, Bernie’s magical powers, the fact that Bernie was CELEBRATED for pursuing someone who wasn’t interested for five years), I REALLY ENJOYED THIS. This could just be a me thing, though, because it’s so clearly inspired by An Affair to Remember. (Corinne even mentions the movie!) Also, Kyla Pratt is a gem. I do wonder, though, if Lifetime had to spend a lot of money just so they could say Google, Snapchat, and Uber? Doesn’t that cost money, and isn’t that why lots of these movies don’t use actual company names? IDK.

Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🎄

4. Christmas in Evergreen: Bells Are Ringing (Hallmark) 🔔

Okay, so it’s important to state right off the bat that this is the FOURTH IN A SERIES and I did not watch any of the prior ones. Basically, all of the people in the image above have FOUND LOVE in Evergreen, a town that, duh, LOVES CHRISTMAS. There’s really not much more than that to say, other than the fact that this one mostly centers around Hannah and her boyfriend Elliot as seemingly the ENTIRE TOWN prepares for Michelle’s (Holly Robinson Peete AGAIN) wedding to Thomas. (The actor playing Thomas clearly couldn’t fly in to film because COVID, so he’s only in it via FaceTime.) 

The main conflict is that Hannah seems to do literally everything (including helping Michelle open an EVERGREEN MUSEUM) and Elliot wants to open a second location of his store in Boston. So, they temporarily break up, then realize they should stay together. Also, there’s some drama with the museum because it used to be a HAT FACTORY and the former operator of said factory doesn’t like that his old building is being repurposed. He is also the brother of these very old twins with top knots, and they are exceptional. Anyway, hat factory guy ends up finally understanding that it wasn’t his fault that the factory failed and gives his blessing to the museum. Also also, Michelle and Thomas have to reschedule their wedding because of a snowstorm. The end.

EH is my general feeling about this movie. Maybe I would’ve been invested in the characters if I had seen the other ones? It was essentially two hours of montages from prior movies and some new stuff that wasn’t compelling. EH.

Rating: 1.25 out of 4 🔔

5. Christmas She Wrote (Hallmark) 📰

THE HALLMARK GODS HAVE ANSWERED MY PRAYERS AND WE HAVE ANOTHER JOURNALIST MOVIE. Kayleigh is somehow a therapist-turned-journalist who writes a self-help/live your best life column in a New York newspaper. Tripp’s the new editor who lays her off early in the movie because of budget constraints. Kayleigh’s upset (NATURALLY) and goes home to visit her sister for the holidays. The owner of the newspaper tells Tripp he’s in BIG TROUBLE because Kayleigh is one of the most popular columnists — and that if he isn’t able to get her back, he’s fired. He goes to Pinebury to win her back, but she’s decided to start a new Christmas column (methinks this column doesn’t have a long shelf life) for the Pinebury Press. The column is ~interactive~ and involves lots of events, so Kayleigh forces Tripp to take part in them if he’s going to be so insistent on bringing her back to New York.

Maybe you already SAW THIS COMING, but Kayleigh and Tripp start to really like each other. But he ends up moving Kayleigh’s best friend from full time to freelance at the paper, and the BFF warns her that Tripp’s only there because he’ll get fired otherwise (which, true?). Kayleigh helps Tripp see that he’s been TOO FOCUSED ON NUMBERS AND BUDGETS and he decides to quit the paper to become a journalist NEAR PINEBURY. It’s kind of weird because they’ve never actually shared that they had feelings for one another. Also, Kayleigh’s ex is back from Haiti (the trip he called off their engagement for) and tries to win her back. But they weren’t MEANT TO BE, so Kayleigh and Tripp kiss and end the movie in ~journalistic bliss.~

Throughout this whole movie, I just kept trying to remember why Sabrina was so into the character this guy played on “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”? She almost chose HIM over HARVEY? I still don’t get it decades later. Seeing Winnie from “Wonder Years” was fun.

Rating: 2.75 out of 4 📰

6. The Christmas Setup (Lifetime) 🚂

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The FIRST-EVER LGBTQ+ Lifetime Christmas movie! And FRAN DRESCHER! Hugo is a big-time New York lawyer who really wants to become a partner. He goes home for the holidays and his mom makes sure he’s there when Patrick, this guy from his high school, drops off their Christmas tree. (They def liked each other back in high school, but Hugo wasn’t out yet.) Patrick is only working on the Christmas tree farm to help his dad out after making a VERY POPULAR APP and becoming v rich. 

Hugo and Patrick begin to FALL IN LOVE, but Hugo ends up being offered partner at the LONDON OFFICE. This temporarily derails the relationship until Hugo makes this big speech at a Christmas-y event about realizing he belongs at home. This obviously makes Patrick v happy and they kiss for a long time while Fran Drescher takes photos of them. Also, Hugo’s best friend comes back home with him and gets with his brother. Also also, Hugo and Patrick find out that a PROMINENT TOWNSMAN who worked at the local train station was gay, too.

When you compare this movie to Hallmark’s first LGBTQ+ one because WHY WOULDN’T YOU, this one is FAR AND AWAY superior. First, it actually focuses on a gay couple, and second, it’s just a better story. The one thing my ROOMMATE (the Supporting Lady of Lifetime) called out is that there were a lot more suggestive jokes (I remember one about balls most specifically) in this one than others. I personally liked this because I LOVE INNUENDO, but she wondered why the ONE LGBTQ+ movie on Lifetime had more ~provocative~ language. Lifetime caaaaaan be a LITTLE edgier than Hallmark, but IDK of their intentions here. Does anyone know the writer? Can we call them up? (Also, friendly reminder that the first LGBTQ+ movies on Hallmark and Lifetime were about cis gay men.)

Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🚂

7. A Little Christmas Charm (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries) 💎

Holly (HOLLY) is a ~jewelry designer~ who works at a vintage store in THE VILLAGE with her best friend. They’re sorting through donated clothes and find a CHRISTMAS CHARM BRACELET in the pocket of a jacket. Holly, who is a jewelry aficionado, KNOWS that whoever lost this bracelet must be missing it — CHARM BRACELETS ARE VERY PERSONAL. So, she goes on a jOuRnEy to determine who the owner is. Greg is a reporter for a puff-piece newspaper and is looking for his contribution for the “Holiday heroes” spread. He and Holly keep bumping into one another (classic) and he eventually coerces her into agreeing to be the subject of his piece.

As Holly and Greg INVESTIGATE who the owner of the charm bracelet is, they, of course, start to fall in love — even though Holly made it VERY CLEAR that this was purely a professional arrangement. (He v much broke her rules of no research over romantic dinners.) Only snag is that Greg is BURNT from a past investigative piece gone wrong and momentarily bails on the search so he can find an easier story to cover. Eventually, he goes back to helping her, they find the owner of the bracelet using iNvEsTiGaTiVe SkIlLz, and they find out about the woman’s love story with her HUBBIE. Holly and Greg reconcile and kiss at the TAIL END of the movie, right in front of the Christmas Tree.

Fun fact: I watched this at 5am TODAY because I didn’t realize it wasn’t already in my spreadsheet of movies to watch. TIME IS LIMITED. Anyway, this movie made me think a lot more about charm bracelets than I have in YEARS. Are they still a thing? Do people REALLY pay thousands of dollars for charms like they talk about in this movie? More importantly, should I get a charm bracelet? Also, I really find it hard to believe that someone would be able to track a stranger down based on charms alone — even if they’re consulting jewelry experts and a faux Google called Reacher.

Rating: 2 out of 4 💎

8. Love, Lights, and Hanukkah! (Hallmark) 🕎

This movie is essentially a two-hour long commercial for Ancestry.com — I say Ancestry.com specifically because that’s one of the companies that “presented” it. ANYWAY, after Christina’s adoptive mom dies, she decides to take a DNA test to learn more about her ancestry. But BOY is she in for a surprise because she’s actually JEWISH. A relative who also took the test emails her and they end up meeting. They want to figure out how they’re related, so she invites Christina to her mom’s house for brunch. You won’t believe this, but the mom is CHRISTINA’S BIOLOGICAL MOM.

Christina is so LOST in her newly discovered Judaism and looks to her biological family to show her the ropes. She knows literally nothing about Hanukkah, so her family breaks it down REAL SLOWLY for her. She also helps THEM learn about CHRISTMAS. (What’s interesting is that her biological mom’s house seems to be decorated solely in Christmas decorations with Hanukkah colors. I’ve never seen Hanukkah garlands and wreaths before, but maybe I need to get out more!) While she’s getting to know her fam, she also falls in love with this food critic, David, who called her restaurant’s lasagna “predictable” in a past review. In the end, David decides to write his book from home instead of in Italy so they can be together, and Christina learns the Hanukkah prayer.

This movie was VERY CLEARLY meant to teach THE GOYIM about Hanukkah. It very much had a Sesame-Street-explains-Judaism vibe. As someone who grew up celebrating BOTH Hanukkah and Christmas, I liked seeing both holidays in one movie. But I CANNOT stand how every single one of these movies that claim to be about Hanukkah spend a LARGE CHUNK of the time focused on Christmas. Also, like I said earlier, a lot of the ~Hanukkah things~ seemed to be ~Christmas things,~ just in blue and white. Are they nervous that Hallmark and Lifetime audiences are too Christmas-obsessed and no one would watch? Whatever the reason, it’s annoying — don’t put Hanukkah in the title if you’re going to give just as much attention to Christmas. ALSO, Jenny from “The L Word” and Cory Matthews aren’t very good at acting.

Rating: 1.5 out of 4 🕎

The Last Line

I’ve been REFLECTING a lot on this v Hallmark/Lifetime idea of “anything can happen at Christmas.” Where THE HELL did that notion come from? Maybe I’m jaded because I’ve never fallen in love during the winter months, but is there a LARGE FACTION of people who’ve had their dreams come true over Christmas? And what is Christmas magic? Is it that people still believe in Santa even though literally NONE of it adds up? Well, as was said in the iconic movie The Santa Clause, “Seeing isn’t believing — believing is seeing.” And maybe THAT’S the true meaning of Christmas: sheer and utter disregard of logic.

This week’s most common tropes:

• An idyllic Christmas town (x4)

• An InTeRruPtEd KiSs (x2)

• “Let’s disrupt people’s holidays with a CHRISTMAS WEDDING!” (x2)

• Naysayer comes around to the ~true~ meaning of Christmas (x2)

This week’s representation:

• 2/8 movies had a lead character who was a person of color.

• 1/8 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+.

• 1/8 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.

• 0/8 had a lead character who was differently-abled.

• 1/8 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.

The actual last line: I have watched 53 of these movies. I can’t tell if that’s me being productive or the very opposite of productive.

TY for reading! If you were forward this email, subscribe here.

Holy sugar cookies, we’re in the midst of an ACTUAL HOLIDAY as I’m writing this. Happy Hanukkah! As far as I can tell, there’s only ONE Hanukkah movie in this ~entire~ 70-movie batch and it doesn’t even come out until tonight. That’s fewer than last year! IDK why I expect anything at all ever from these channels, but I still do. Oy humbug.

Any-Whos-in-Whoville, below you shall find the films I had the “pleasure” of viewing this past week. Pretend there are actually eight so it better matches Hanukkah. Almost all of them star D-list (or higher!) celebs, so they’re a real treat.

Thanks a LATKE for reading!
Sarah

1. Merry Liddle Christmas Wedding (Lifetime) 💍

Apparently, Merry Liddle Christmas had such a LARGE FAN BASE that Lifetime decided to do their FIRST-EVER CHRISTMAS SEQUEL. I think I watched it, but I genuinely can’t remember any details, so it’s possible I didn’t? Anyway, Jacquie fell in love with Tyler in the first one and now they’re planning their CHRISTMAS WEDDING. Jacquie hires some big-time wedding planner, but when the Liddles come to town, he can’t handle it and LEAVES IN A HUFF. Anxiety ensues. The Liddles and Tyler’s family come together to try to finish everything up last minute, but after a while, it seems like everything’s FALLING APART (like when Jacquie’s sister lights her wedding dress on fire and also spills wine on it). 

Jacquie and Tyler decide they’re going to postpone the wedding THE NIGHT BEFORE it’s scheduled, so they tell all their guests not to come. (We don’t hear of anyone getting pissed, but I would’ve lost my shit.) But, luckily, Jacquie remembers that getting married isn’t about the PERFECT WEDDING — it’s about spending your life with someone you meet in a Lifetime Christmas movie. So, since the person who was going to officiate never gets their email, they end up having a SURPRISE WEDDING where all of their family members are in PJs. (They actually ask them to remain in PJs for some reason? Even though they’re fully decked out in wedding clothes?) Also, Jacquie’s sister fixes the dress AND falls in love with Tyler’s best friend. Yay for everyone.

My biggest takeaways from this movie are that 1) a Christmas wedding is selfish if your guests celebrate Christmas; 2) a destination wedding is evil and cost-prohibitive; and 3) IT IS SUPREMELY EVIL TO CANCEL A WEDDING THE DAY BEFORE IT’S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Also, if you’re going to do a Christmas/destination wedding to begin with, don’t you think you should have everything planned and ready to go THE WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING? If I fly out somewhere for a wedding and I’ve given up my holidays to celebrate, that better be the best GD wedding I’ve ever been to. Other than that, I do enjoy an ensemble cast. But this movie has very little standalone appeal — I would only love it if I was a HUGE FAN of the first one (and, reminder, I can’t remember if I saw it all the way through). I did think Kelly Rowland’s bonding with her movie future stepkids was cute, though.

Rating: 2 out of 4 💍

2. A Christmas Tree Grows in Colorado (Hallmark) 🌲

First, it’s important to point out that this is clearly a play on “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn,” which is why this godforsaken movie takes place in Brooklyn, CO. Erin works in the mayor’s office for her MAYOR DAD and is in charge of finding the perfect tree for their town’s tree-lighting ceremony. She’s over at a friend’s house (remember going to friends’ houses? Remember friends?) when she sees a BEAUTIFUL TREE SPECIMEN in a yard across the street. She goes and talks to the guy, Kevin, while he’s building a snowPERSON with his daughter. Erin posts a photo of his tree ACCIDENTALLY on the city’s official IG account and people lose their minds for it. (Apparently, trees are BIG NEWS in Brooklyn, CO.) The tree (and Kevin) even make the front page of their newspaper, but Kevin doesn’t see that until his FIREFIGHTER CO-WORKERS point it out to him. He’s not into it. 

Erin visits Kevin at the firehouse and asks if they can use (CUT DOWN) his tree for the tree-lighting ceremony. He says HELL NO, but they do work out a deal where he helps her make sure the event meets fire codes or whatever for money. The problem is, EVERYONE WANTS HIS TREE — and attendance at the event is v important because the town is HURTING financially. So is the firehouse, so Kevin detests the mayor. Eventually, DUH, Kevin allows use of his tree and he and Erin fall in love. Erin also leaves the mayor’s office job to become a teacher. The end, Merry Christmas.

This may have been one of the worst movies of the entire season thus far. I THINK it’s because there was a lot of one-way acting and not actual connection? Or maybe the guy is just a bad actor? I don’t remember him being bad on “Instant Star,” but my is-this-good meter might have been off in high school. Speaking of I.S., WHERE IS ALEXZ JOHNSON? (APPARENTLY SHE’S ON CAMEO.)

Rating: 1 out of 4 🌲

3. A Godwink Christmas: First Loves, Second Chances (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries) 😉

Margie works in MARKETING for some retail chain that sells knick-knacks (paddywhack, give a dog a bone) and Pat works in some capacity around wintry outdoorsy stuff. They dated in high school, but they continue to bump into one another (CLASSIC) after Pat moves back home from Hawaii. (He got divorced and his dad died, so he wanted a FRESH START in a stale place.) Margie is kinda-sorta long-distance dating this guy (he was also in A Timeless Christmas!) who also works at her company, but he moves into town to learn marketing things or something. But, of course, Margie and Pat keep finding each other literally everywhere — so much so that it’s like a GODWINK (when god winks at you, duh). 

After about a million coincidences/godwinks/whatever, Margie and Pat realize they still have feelings for one another and decide to be together. There’s a lil’ conflict because of the guy Margie’s sorta dating and because Pat doesn’t know where he’s going to work, but GOD KEEPS WINKING and Margie and Pat are both offered jobs in Seattle. One of the dumber godwinks of the many contenders is when Margie and Pat continue getting each other matching Christmas gifts. We don’t know the entire gift offering they had to choose from, so TBH not sure about the godwink of it all.

TBH, I did not hate this movie as much as I assumed I would based on the title. This is one of THREE GODWINK MOVIES and — GET THIS — they’re all based on TRUE STORIES. When I saw photos of the REAL Margie and Pat in the end, my heart grew three sizes like the Grinch’s. I wonder if Margie and Pat volunteered their story as a GODWINK or if someone else called it one? What’s the line between GODWINK and coincident? IDK. Anyway, not awful, not great. I am a somewhat fan of these actors from other TV shows, so it was fun to see them again.

Rating: 2.25 out of 4 😉

4. Five Star Christmas (Hallmark) ⭐️

Lucy comes home from her fancy branding job and discovers that her dad has TURNED HER CHILDHOOD HOME INTO A B&B. After a woman stops by and stays because of a flat tire, Lucy’s family thinks she’s this famous SECRET CRITIC, so they all pretend to be employees and guests. At the same time, this guy, Jake, who claims to be a GEOLOGIST (likely story), also comes to stay. 

Throughout the movie, these things happen: 1) flat tire woman and Dad fall in love; 2) brother and sister-in-law find out they’re pregnant; 3) younger dramatic sister realizes she wants to be a CHEF; and 4) Lucy and Jake fall in love. ALSO, and this is IMPORTANT: The SECRET CRITIC is actually JAKE THE GEOLOGIST. He lies so no one will act any differently, but little does he know that they were already doing that. He goes by the pseudonym BEA, which was very confusing for this ensemble cast. Lucy’s pissed at first because of the deceit, but she gets over it and everyone’s HAPPY.

While watching this movie, I was GENUINELY blown away by discovering that Jake was the critic. GOBSMACKED. My mouth LITERALLY fell open. The whole geologist thing checked out because he seemed… dumb as a rock (badumCHING). Aside from that, the most remarkable thing to me was that their FATHER turned their CHILDHOOD HOME into a B&B. I WOULD NOT have been graceful with this news. Better you than me, Bethany Joy Lenz.

Rating: 2.5 out of 4 ⭐️

5. Christmas Waltz (Hallmark) 🩰

In case you were confused by Lacey Chabert’s iconic line about white-gold hoops and Hanukkah in Mean Girls, she is actually a Hallmark Christmas co-queen with Candace Cameron Bure. In this masterpiece, Lacey plays Avery, a HARD-WORKING ATTORNEY who’s engaged to this horrible bro who clearly lives in Kips Bay. They’re planning on having a Christmas wedding and, in classic Hallmark fashion, are making decisions at the last minute. Her fiance doesn’t seem AT ALL interested and ends up deciding to take a job in Boston — not to CANCEL the wedding, but in part to PUT THINGS ON HOLD. After Avery spends a little bit of time being sad, she decides to continue on with her scheduled dance lessons as a singleton. She used to dance as a kid, so she thinks it’ll be FUN and get her out of her my-fiance-just-dumped-me funk.

After 10 sessions, Avery and her instructor, Roman, have bonded (mostly because Avery accidentally knocked him on his ass in the snow, he hit his head, and she took care of him), fallen in love, Avery’s ex has tried to win her back, and Roman has asked Avery to dance alongside him in a BIG RECITAL (his partner was in traffic, but SURELY there was someone who was more than 10 sessions in?). Also, Avery has almost gotten fired because she completely shirked all responsibilities while she was galavanting around New York with Roman. But that’s okay because her boss doesn’t fire her and also LOVE.

This whole movie I found myself wondering if it was APPROPRIATE to spend time outside of class with your dance student? I mean, they’re adults and they want to hang out, so I guess it’s okay? TBH, it probably would be a little ~sessy~ to have an unspoken connection with your dance teacher. But she shows up at his HOUSE to make sure he doesn’t have a concussion after his fall in the snow? And he introduces her to his FAMILY when she’s just a STUDENT? Should I ask another RHETORICAL question? Anyway, Lacey Chabert is vaguely charming.

Rating: 2.5 out of 4 🩰

6. USS Christmas (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries) 🛳

HERE WE ARE WITH A JOURNALIST MEETS ARMY PERSON STORYLINE. Maddie is a journalist on the BUSINESS GUYS DOING BAD THINGS beat, but she really wants to write pieces that make people cry. She accompanies her sister, who’s in the Navy, to some Christmas shindig and meets this Navy guy, Billy, who’s nicknamed GRINCH because he hates Christmas so much. Maddie’s sister encourages her to take time off from COVERING MEN AT BANKS to go on this “Tiger Cruise” — an annual cruise people in the Navy can invite their families to. Maddie’s the daughter of a Navy guy, but she was too busy with her NOSE IN A BOOK to go in her youth. She begrudgingly accepts her sister’s invitation and goes. GUESS WHO’S THERE: Billy! 

On the cruise, Maddie starts wondering how often people fall in love on Tiger Cruises during Christmas and SMELLS A STORY. She gets the go-ahead from her editor (who she calls Mr. Bailey like it’s the GD ‘50s) and starts ~investigating.~ Billy’s dad flew with Maddie’s dad back in the day, so he forces him to help Maddie out with the snooping. They find evidence of a couple meeting on the cruise back in the ‘60s and spend the entire time (including a day in NEW YORK) filling in the gaps of their story. In the end, they find the couple (their story is cute) and Maddie and Billy also FALL IN LOVE on the CRUISE like it’s the ‘60S. 

First, I just have to communicate just how BLONDE this movie was. It HAD to have been a conscious choice. I get casting Maddie’s sister and mom as also blonde, but… the woman working at the diner? The woman Maddie spills wine on at the Christmas shindig (who also happens to be Billy’s platonic date)? Anyway, I tend to be a little meh about movies centered around military-ish themes, but I very much DID enjoy the B story about the couple from the ‘60s. It reminded me of the story of my Grandmere and Poppy (they met at a Red Cross dance in WWII). It also made Maddie and Billy’s love feel BIGGER and more EPIC. (I am but a mere mortal, don’t judge me!)

Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🛳

7. People Presents: Once Upon a Main Street (Lifetime) 🍫

Everyone knows that year-round Christmas stores are the best possible businesses to start, so, naturally, Amelia puts in an offer on a building to make her YEAR-ROUND CHRISTMAS DREAMS COME TRUE. Unfortunately, Vic ALSO puts in an offer for his chocolate shop. For COMEDY, they find this out after they have an unpleasant run-in in the parking lot. Since Amelia and Vic both REALLY want the space, they somehow get the name and address of the seller and stalk him in a nearby town. At first, a snowstorm traps them at a motel and there’s only one room left — the guy at the front desk basically forces them to share a room. It is awkward.

When they eventually get to the seller’s house, he’s v sad and lonely because it’s Christmas. Even though they’re only there at first to talk the seller into choosing them, they end up volunteering to take over his annual organizational duties for the town’s Christmas lights display. (Apparently, it’s a v big, v important thing.) As Amelia and Vic work together, they realize that the other DOESN’T SUCK and they fall in love. (They also try to kiss approximately 922002339 times and KEEP GETTING INTERRUPTED.) Also, obviously, they tell the seller that they’ll open a hybrid year-round Christmas/chocolate shop. We have the PLEASURE of seeing the couple a year later as they open their store and they inappropriately make out and cuddle in complete view of the street.

No offense to Vanessa Lachey, but has she always been this bad of an actor? I don’t remember her being this bad in last year’s movie. The guy playing Vic is also not great. Generally, this movie is not great. And I really, REALLY don’t see a year-round Christmas store being successful. I HATE anything Christmas-themed the second Christmas is over, but maybe that’s just me. I also really don’t think that combining it with the chocolate store makes a lot of sense. Can he only make Christmas chocolates now? Did they think any of this through? ANYWAY, not great. But Vanessa Lachey is G O R G E O U S.

Rating: 1.5 out of 4 🍫

The Last Line

I encourage you to REALLY take in the promo photos this week. They’re truly magnificent. First you have Kelly Rowland WITHOUT her co-star, then an entire family making weird faces around a ham, and, finally, a couple joined by the leading lady’s MOM (even though she’s not a major focus of the movie) simply because she’s been in a bunch of Hallmark and Lifetime movies. They really take a unique approach to promo photos that has very little to do with the actual movie — and I respect and appreciate that.

This week’s most common tropes:

• An idyllic Christmas town (x4)

• The ~all-important~ Christmas event (x4)

• A very merry fall in the snow (x3)

• An InTeRruPtEd KiSs (x2)

This week’s representation:

• 2/7 movies had a lead character who was a person of color.

• 0/6 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+ (though a lead’s best friend was!).

• 0/6 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.

• 0/6 had a lead character who was differently-abled.

• 0/6 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.

The actual last line: Lifetime and Hallmark are REALLY OBSESSED WITH WRITERS. Did they do some poll and find out that everyone in Nebraska loves a side of journalism with their holiday-themed love stories? Also, has anyone at any of these channels ever actually met a writer? This tickles me to no end.

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The weeks between Thanksgiving and Chrismukkah feel kind of like a total wash, but the world spins madly on — and so must we. Thankfully, I have these ~delightful~ movies keeping me warm at night (also my cat, Jasper).

One of the things about holidays in quarantine is that I’m constantly watching meet-cutes happen in these movies and I can’t even find anyone (who isn’t my roommate or one of my cats) to have one with. How am I supposed to reconnect with my high school crush or find someone to show me the TRUE meaning of Christmas? If ONLY there was a WAY to meet people on our PHONES without actually being NEAR THEM.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy these six holiday romances as much as I did (or didn’t! No spoilers!). I’ll be acting out meet-cutes with invisible strangers in my living room if you need me.

Wintrily yours,
Sarah

1. A Timeless Christmas 🕰

This period piece meets present-day ROMP opens in 1903. Charles Whitley is an engineer or something and he’s bidding on a clock for his fiancé — it has some cheesy inscription about true love during the Christmas moon (any astronomers who can fact-check this?). It’s v clear he and his fiancé are not actually in love. She’s pissed that he won’t go to her family’s Christmas party, but he’s TOO BUSY. He futzes with the (seemingly broken) clock and gets transported to 2020 where his house is now a MUSEUM. Everyone thinks he’s been hired to play Charles Whitley, but joke’s on them! The reenactors are failing actors (one studied under Strasberg and the other went to Juilliard l o l) + Megan, a history buff. They explain to museum visitors that Charles Whitley DISAPPEARED IN 1903 and no one was ever able to find out what happened to him. (Does that break any time travel rules? It feels kind of weird.) 

Charles tells Megan that it’s REALLY HIM — she eventually believes him after he tells her about a secret floor compartment in the house. She doesn’t think anyone will believe them because duh, so they both go along with the he’s an actor playing Charles Whitley thing. Naturally, they fall in love and he doesn’t go back to 1903. He even STOPS THE CLOCK so he can’t be forcefully time traveled again! (Back in 1903, everyone would go on and on about how he was always thinking about the FUTURE, but now he’s all about the PRESENT.) Also, Megan chooses to stay working at the museum instead of becoming a professor like her parents and they are SURPRISINGLY SUPPORTIVE. Also also, the failing actors who play Charles’ butler and fiancé both get cast as the leads in a “Taming of the Shrew” tour (because couples are always booked together).

I enjoy the guy-from-the-past-shows-up-in-the-present storylines as much as the next guy, but these relationships seem VERY (TOO) DIFFICULT and not sustainable. 117 years is a lot to catch someone up on! I’m sure you could be super attracted to someone who zaps in from another century, but can you really have actual conversations with them? Megan had to stop so many times to explain things like COMPUTERS and TVs. (As someone whose life is computers and TV, this would not work for me.) Also, Megan seems especially attracted because he’s a gentleman, but that’s kind of a 1903 thing, right? Is that ENOUGH or even specific to Charles? I guess I still wish them the best, but doesn’t look too promising to me.

Rating: 2.75 out of 4 🕰

2. The Christmas Doctor 🩺

This movie, unfortunately, was not a two-hour-long medical procedural. Instead, it was about Zoe, a doctor who travels from hospital to hospital for short-term placements instead of staying anywhere for too long. She lives on the Upper East Side (fancy!), but she gets assigned to this hospital waaaay upstate in a town called Willowbrook. Of course, moments into her temp gig, she meets a guy, Luke — and MINI SPARKS FLY. They keep bumping into each other and he ends up being the one who’s renting out the house she stays in. Luke’s daughter comes to visit, she bonds with Zoe, and Zoe and Luke slowly FALL IN LOVE. 

MEANWHILE, at the hospital, Zoe’s encouraged by the doctor who she’s temporarily replacing (he had surgery) to CONNECT with her patients. She’s not into that at first, but we find out that’s because she got TOO CLOSE to a patient while working as an army doctor (so much army in these) and he died — and now she has to keep her distance for SELF-PRESERVATION. Still, Zoe takes his advice and starts doing house calls, etc. We later find out the doctor she’s replacing chose her because HIS SON WAS THE ONE WHO DIED WHILE SHE WAS TREATING HIM IN THE ARMY. (This made me tear up, TBH. I’m only human!) Anyway, obviously Zoe decides to stay in Willowbrook instead of bouncing around so she can remain with the hospital, the patients, and, duh, Luke.

Like I already mentioned, this one did pull at my heartstrings a little. There were a few other notable things that happened, like when a Salvation Army Santa gets a rash from his beard and carpal tunnel from ringing the bell. (Occupational hazards, I guess.) And when a few of the characters recite a college cheer and it’s SO BASIC AND BAD. They didn’t even try. Oh, there was also a patient of hers who has a MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS that turns out to be… allergies to pots and pans? Anticlimactic, TBH, but I love a medical mystery. ALSO, seeing Holly Robinson Peete unlocked memories of “Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper,” so that was nice.

Rating: 2.75 out of 4 🩺

3. The Angel Tree 🎄

Remember when I said that a Christmas tree with wish-granting powers was a trope last week? THEY MADE A WHOLE MOVIE ABOUT IT. We’re graced with the presence of ANOTHER WRITER who works for “ASPIRE,” which is maybe a publication but also an app that’s launching on Christmas Day. The writer, Rebecca, shows her editor a piece about “The Angel Tree” back home that grants wishes. She saw the magic FIRSTHAND because the angel saved her best friend’s family’s diner! But, sadly, the angel did not grant Rebecca’s wish of staying in Pine River forever, so she’s kind of salty about it. Her dad had to move for a job so she ended up going elsewhere, then staying for college, then getting married and having a kid (her husband has since died). Rebecca’s editor says she HAS to go back home to find out who the angel is and then they’ll publish her scoop FRONT PAGE of… the app! When Rebecca goes back home, she’s v cynical about the whole magic thing (even though she wrote about how it was real? V confusing to me as a viewer). But she finds out that her childhood best friend, Matthew (who LOVES puns), still works at the diner and still is all about the angel. He’s even working for them!

Anyway, as Rebecca puts on her journalist hat and snoops around to find the angel, she and Matthew also fall in love. (Unclear whether or not they had feelings for one another as kids.) Also, Rebecca’s article draws everyone to Pine River to make their wishes and the number of wishes is just too much for the angel to do on their own! Angel and Matthew help out and throw a shindig where everyone can get their gifts (because complications of shipping times, etc.). Even Matthew’s nephew gets his wish that his army mom can come home for Christmas after Rebecca pulls some strings with a past interview subject on the same base (seems like it wouldn’t have been that hard for the mom to do on her own then?). We learn the angel is actually Rebecca’s aunt and her friends, ALSO Matthew, and Rebecca decides to honor their request of not outing them as angels to the public. Rebecca realizes you can WRITE FROM ANYWHERE and stays in Pine River with Matthew and her daughter. Matthew also decides to start his own coffee company or something. The end.

First, I absolutely hate the premise of the tree that grants wishes. I don’t know why these movies’ writers LOVE it so much. What is enjoyable, however, is Matthew’s love for puns. I personally LOVE WORDPLAY and really support his innovation in giving his diner’s coffee options names like “Cool Beans” or “Grounds For Life.” Second, I am SO JEALOUS of these “writers” who get to spend entire weeks writing ONE ARTICLE even though they aren’t actually doing extensive research or interviewing. She’s just getting paid to be all Christmas-y in her hometown. THE DREAM.

Rating: 2.25 out of 4 🎄

4. Homemade Christmas 🧸

Megan is a for-hire Christmas genius who apparently makes money SAVING CHRISTMAS for various hopeless people across the city. She also does lots of charity work because of HER BIG HEART. But a friend who works at one of the charities she helps thinks she needs to get back on that dating horse. This guy who’s supposed to seem PERFECT literally bumps into her and we think for a few moments that THIS IS THE GUY. Instead, the guy is actually Kurt, who owns an ARTISANAL toy store and is working with some fancy investor on a new pitch for more investments. Kurt mistakes CHRISTMAS MEGAN for MARKETING MEGAN when the former shows up to decorate the Christmas tree, but because investor guy likes Christmas Megan, Kurt asks if she’ll work for them and pretend to help with the pitch. She agrees, but only for a specific fee (so she can donate it to charity), and only if she can continue Christmas tasking.

So, Megan and Kurt work together to update the store window display to INCREASE FOOT TRAFFIC and also come up with some brilliant event idea. It’s important to understand that they VERY ACTIVELY play at being snarky with one another the whole time. It is very heavy-handed. Also, Megan wants to be a full-time DIY BLOGGER (of course) and dream guy from earlier wants to help. That’s when Megan learns that KURT GETS HER and DREAM GUY WANTS TO CHANGE HER. Anyway, Kurt ends up rejecting the investor guy because he wants to take the local crafts out of the toy store and SCALE, SCALE, SCALE. In the end, Kurt’s toy partners want Megan to film DIY videos and Kurt gets the funding he needs (through the investor guy before he dipped and… a bank? IDK how money works). Also, THEY FALL IN LOVE. (She writes this blog post about “how to fix a heart” and it’s about him. Ugh.)

This movie wasn’t horrible, but I’m very intrigued by Lifetime’s take on “neurotic” personalities. The characters aggressively telegraph snarkiness — to the point that the conversations have an unnatural rhythm. But because of that and the fact that they don’t want to sell out, they’re apparently NOT AT ALL cookie cutter. Also, Megan makes freelancing look VERY JOYOUS and not at all stressful — but her whole thing is being really good at Christmas. Hopefully becoming a DIYfluencer will keep her busy the other 12 months of the year?

Rating: 2.25 out of 4 🧸

5. Heart of the Holidays ❤️

Sam is a BUSINESSWOMAN who’s SO BUSY she works while doing some Peloton-type cycling. She lives in New York, as all career women do, and has a boyfriend who ONLY CARES ABOUT MONEY. Sam is happy because she’s moving to a new investment firm and might get to support “independent startups.” TURNS OUT her rich boyfriend’s business partner bought the new company and decided to do a bunch of layoffs. Sam’s pissed because A) other people got laid off but she’s safe because she’s one of the owners’ girlfriends and B) this new ownership means she won’t get to do the important work of investing in “independent startups.” She angrily quits and goes home for the holiday to hang out with her mom (but doesn’t tell anyone about quitting).

At home, Sam bumps into the ex she left behind when she moved to NYC, Noah — she apparently just left and didn’t say a single word (we later learn this is because she was TOO SCARED she’d never leave). Basically, she is a monster. But she tries to RETURN to her DO-GOODER ROOTS while at home and falls back in love with her ex. NYC ex she left behind (it’s a pattern) comes to tell her about a non-profit interview he set up for her back in the city (it’s on CHRISTMAS EVE). She goes and thinks she’ll stay there, but, apparently, the non-profit job isn’t “on the ground” enough for her. So, she comes back to her hometown, officially reconnects with Noah, and asks for a job at the local food bank. 

What I absolutely LOVE about made-for-TV holiday movies set in New York (well, this one partially was) is how much I can learn about my city. For example, I learned that EVERYONE wears black trench coats, you can’t help people if you live there, the city will always ruin you, and all roads lead to investment firms. As someone who doesn’t work at an investment firm, I find this implication OFFENSIVE, but also I feel like I’d have a brownstone on the Upper West Side and an in-unit washer and dryer if I did?

Rating: 2.25 out of 4 ❤️

6. Christmas By Starlight 🍳

Annie is a family lawyer who works in adoption and, inexplicably, still lives in her parents’ house — which is also the location of their family’s cafe. William works for his dad at some evil real estate company or something. When Annie sees that William’s company is evicting the whole family from the cafe/house, she goes to his office to GIVE HIM A TALKING TO. William’s in HOT WATER with his dad because he’s terrible at his job, so Daddy says he’s going to get him a lawyer to keep watch. William mistakes Annie as the BABYSITTER lawyer — when she explains his mistake, they strike a deal where she pretends to be his lawyer and he saves their cafe. To get this preservation society off William’s dad’s company’s ass, they say they’re going to throw some big fundraising event (Annie’s idea). As they work on planning the event, William slowly becomes a decent-ish person, and he and Annie FALL IN LOVE. There’s a slight hiccup when William doesn’t know if he can stand up to Daddy, but he eventually finds a loophole (making the cafe a historical building… okay), gives some BIG SPEECH at the cafe, and saves the day. GOODNESS AND LOVE PREVAIL.

Okay, so, even though the plot was ALMOST IDENTICAL to Christmas Tree Lane (also on Hallmark), this was actually entertaining to watch. ONLY because the actors actually formed characters and had fairly realistic banter. (I love banter. Banter all day.) They actually seemed like REAL PEOPLE with REAL EMOTIONS — and that is rare for these movies! Probably my favorite line OF ALL was this: “I said nice casual! Not bingo night at the Legion.” The reference didn’t really make sense to me, but she was wearing an ugly Christmas sweater SO I STILL GOT IT. Excellent job, Hallmark.

Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🍳

The Last Line

My roommate and I have this theory that any holiday movie on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries is on that specific Hallmark offshoot because there’s a MYSTERY involved. If you look at these six movies, the two on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries DO HAVE MYSTERIES IN THEM. My original thinking was that the shittier movies go on the secondary channel, but I like this idea a lot better. It feels like Hallmark and I have a SECRET.

This week’s most common tropes:

• An idyllic Christmas town (x3)

• “Goodbye, BIG CITY! This SMALL TOWN is where I belong!” (x3)

• LADY IN RED (at a Christmas party) (x3)

• “Wow, that mistletoe came out of NOWHERE!” (x2)

This week’s representation:

• 1/6 movies had a lead character who was a person of color.

• 0/6 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+.

• 0/6 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.

• 0/6 had a lead character who was differently-abled.

• 0/6 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.

The actual last line: It’s TRULY REMARKABLE how much better these movies are when the main characters have ANY personality at all. The actors make CHOICES. And they’re ENTERTAINING ones. What a treat.

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This one’s coming to you a little (a LOTTLE) late because of Turkey Day. Thankfully, I still have some vestiges of the day (mostly in casserole form) — but I’m also fully inviting the December holidays into my ~heart and home~ with a fair isle onesie from Old Navy (not #spon) and multicolored string lights framing ze windows. The menorah and fake lil’ tree are both out now, too. It’s getting festive in here, BBs.

Back to the topic at hand. Some of these reviews aren’t in the order the movies aired because of either my excitement or my failure to record the ones that weren’t available on demand. (My poor spreadsheet has whiplash.) I’m telling you this not because I think you’ll care AT ALL, but because I have an almost pathological need to clarify things. This is part of my charm.

Anyway, plz enjoy these latest reviews and send me pics of mac ‘n cheese.

Forever your girl,
Sarah

1. Meet Me at Christmas 🌲

Two teens are MERRYMAKING at a Christmas festival and seem like they’re falling in love. We keep coming back to these two throughout the movie, but we find out that Joan, a woman in her fifties (?), was the teen. We’re still a lil’ confused as to who the boy is, but we learn that Joan’s husband died. We catch up with Joan at her florist job and it’s very clear she’s ABUNDANTLY TALENTED and everyone thinks she should start her own company. 

Joan returns to the Christmas town in the mountains from her youth for her son’s wedding. Apparently, the town was where she also met her husband (the boy??) and was a very important spot for the family. She and the son’s bride’s uncle, Beau, have to step in for the wedding planner after they cancel and we discover pretty quickly that… BEAU was the boy! Joan wants to keep this from her son because she doesn’t want him to know she had a very romantic day with someone else right before meeting his dad THAT SAME NIGHT. But, throughout the movie, we try to figure out why Beau stood her up at the end of the evening decades earlier. Turns out he was trying to save his brother from getting hit by a car after visiting Santa and ended up in the hospital (the excuses are always like this). By the end, they’ve (obviously) reconciled and fallen back in love. Beau turns down his next travel photog assignment and stays in Colorado with Joan, where she is starting her own WEDDING PLANNING business. YOUNG LOVE BECOMES OLD LOVE.

This was not a good movie, but what I DID enjoy were the few minutes when I was convinced that Joan thought Beau was her husband reincarnate — something that made ZERO sense logistically. At that point, I still thought the teen boy was her husband, so I was generally in a state of confusion. In my defense, stranger things have happened in these movies.

Rating: 1.5 out of 4 🌲

2. The Christmas Edition 📰

Jackie is somewhere between staff reporter and news editor at The Sunshine Chronicles and DESPERATELY wants to be promoted. (WE LOVE A JOURNALISM STORY.) She’s pretty much a shoo-in, but then the owner of a major digital news company (MARIE OSMOND) comes in and buys the paper. Jackie’s no longer a shoo-in because the new big boss wants someone with more supervisory experience and big boss offers her a staff reporter job (the same job she had five years prior). Jackie decides to quit and move to ALASKA to run a newspaper someone posted about in a Juneau newspaper. They needed someone new to run it and offered it up for free. WHAT A DEAL.

Jackie is a lil’ thrown at first by the COLD and SMALL-TOWN LIFE, but she ends up miraculously taking the paper from dying to THRIVING in just a few issues. The town is really into Christmas (duh), and while Jackie isn’t at first, she gives the people what they want and starts getting into it herself. While all of this is happening, she’s also getting closer to Finn, the son of the former editor-in-chief of the paper (now deceased). (Instead of being into newspapers AT ALL, Finn BLOWS GLASS.) They fall in love, duh, but big boss at Jackie’s old job reaches out and tries to buy the paper now that it’s doing well. She wants her to come back to the (digital) paper and become editor-in-chief there. That job was always Jackie’s dream, but she ends up deciding to stay with Finn and her new Christmas-y friends in the tiny Alaska town.

Two noteworthy things happened in this movie. First, Marie Osmond was in it. Why? I don’t know. Smelled an awful lot like stunt casting. She was BARELY on screen! Second, they really reinvented the woman comes out in red dress and renders man speechless thing. Not only did they do it in SLOW-MO, but they also added a Kira-Kira filter so the lights looked all sparkly. I’ve NEVER seen Kira-Kira used in a movie before and I REALLY appreciated it. What innovation.

Rating: 2.75 out of 4 📰

3. A Taste of Christmas 🍝

Natalie calls herself a JAQUELINE OF ALL TRADES, which means she works a million jobs and feels passionate about none of them. She always spends Christmas with her cousin, but that cousin (Nia Vardalos!) is trapped in Italy and has to cancel the opening of her new restaurant. Because Natalie thinks she can do everything and nothing at the same time, she takes it upon herself to plan the opening/Festa di Natale on her own. The chef is this Italian guy (Dante from the Sex and the City movie!!) and she is instantly SPRUNG. 

Natalie is all feelings and Stefano is all logic (the audience knows this because they explain their POVs using CHRISTMAS TREES as METAPHORS), but they start liking one another and connecting. There’s also a fun B story with two awkward teens who are into each other (this is often more compelling than the main story). In the end, her primary conflict of not knowing what she wants to do with her life is NOT resolved, but she does find love with the hot Italian chef, so that’s cool I guess.

I have a MAJOR GRIPE with this movie. There’s this one moment when Natalie and this Italian woman who’s stranded in town while on a caroling gig (?) — due to the same storm that traps Natalie’s cousin — accidentally kiss on the mouth. Both characters seemed embarrassed but also kind of… pleased, but NOTHING comes from it. In fact, the Italian woman likes STEFANO (and was also ~logically~ the right one for him). What a missed opportunity.

Rating: 2.25 out of 4 🍝

4. Feliz Navi-Dad 🔔

This one CLEARLY has the best title of the week. David is a principal at his daughter’s school in PINESTAR whose wife died a few years prior. He takes a second job as a delivery person (under the guise of making more money but really because he’s sad without his wife at Christmas) and meets Sophie while working the gig. They have REALLY WEIRD banter over boxes and end up swiping right on one another when everyone coerces David into using the apps. Sophie is “practice” dating and is only in town for a little while — she’s helping her dad sell her deceased mom’s toys (?) but will be returning to the Phoenix Philharmonic (ANOTHER ONE) soon. 

They keep going on these “practice” dates but develop feelings for one another. Sophie also starts helping David’s daughter, Noel (L O L), with her… bell choir/glee club? David and Sophie’s feelings deepen and eventually they decide to be together and commute back and forth because THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.

Anyone who watches these movies knows that Mario Lopez does his best work opposite Melissa Joan Hart, so I was THRILLED when MJH made a cameo as a nutty hippy he goes on a date with. MJH also directed (!) this movie, and knowing that fills my heart with SO MUCH JOY. Also, when the two lead characters have their INTERRUPTED KISS (classic), the film editor basically layers on an Instagram snow filter. It was so bad that it was also satisfying.

Rating: 2.25 out of 4 🔔

5. A Nashville Christmas Carol 🎶

Ugh, this one, duh, uses the Christmas Carol format. Vivienne, a country music concert producer, is at some sort of turning point in life (I’m not even totally sure what it is) while she has to work with her childhood best friend, Gavin, with whom she’s had a falling out. A mix of real-life country singers and one ‘90s actress show Vivienne her past, present, and future. 

Vivienne vacillates between her Christmas Carol thing and actual life, both of which show her that Gavin had feelings for her (which she returned!) and tried to reconnect after their falling out. They obviously FALL IN LOVE and she also manages to get a gig producing an LA country music concert even though she’s staying in Nashville with her new/old boo.

I love “The Muppet Christmas Carol,” but THIS was a VERY DUMB take on the classic plot. Vivienne wasn’t a miserly grinch and she wasn’t going through a crisis like Jimmy Stewart in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” so WHY was she being visited by these ghosts/country singers? What was the endgame here? It was also SO confusing to have it go back and forth between the Christmas Carol stuff and the present-day stuff. This plot device was not effective or necessary. DUMB.

Rating: 1.25 out of 4 🎶

6. The Christmas House 🏡

Mike is the star of a LAWYER PROCEDURAL called “Handsome Justice” — a perfect show which is also on the cusp of getting canceled. Mike goes home for the holidays and joins his mom, dad, brother Brandon, and brother’s HUSBAND in recreating the very excessive “Christmas House” decoration bonanza of their youth. It turns out that this is because Mike and Brandon’s parents are selling the house — and because they’re separating (!). 

Along with the “Handsome Justice” and familial drama, Mike reconnects with his childhood crush (and partner magician in kid magic shows), Andi, and Brandon and his husband are waiting to hear if they can adopt. In the end, Mike has the option to save “Handsome Justice” but decides to do a spinoff instead in New York so he can live in his hometown AND OLD HOUSE with Andi and her son. Brandon and his husband find out they can adopt, and the mom and dad end up staying together even after they move.

HOY BOY do I have feelings about this one. After Hallmark heavily promoted it as the first of their holiday movies starring an LGBTQ+ couple, I was VERY disappointed to see that the LGBTQ+ couple was actually SECONDARY TO A STRAIGHT STORYLINE. Now, given that Hallmark stopped airing a Zola commercial because it had two women kissing just last year, I’m not terribly surprised by this — and, for them, this is progress. But DO NOT act as if you’re doing SO MUCH for inclusivity when you’re doing the bare minimum. It’s clear they promoted the movie as LGBTQ+-focused to pull in more viewers and appease the people they pissed off last year, but they kept it super heteronormative at the center so they wouldn’t ruffle the feathers of their main viewers. Still, if it wasn’t for this misfire, it would’ve actually been quite an enjoyable movie. The “Handsome Justice” stuff was RIGHT up my alley and I LOVED that the movie opened with a TV court scene.

Rating: 2.5 out of 4 🏡

7. Good Morning Christmas! 📹

Melissa and Brian are co-anchors on AMERICA’S FAVORITE MORNING SHOW. Melissa is the consummate professional who’s always prepared and LOVES Christmas, while Brian is a football player turned dating reality show contestant who doesn’t use teleprompters and HATES Christmas. Naturally, they do not get along, so Brian’s been asking for a while to get out of his contract early. Their producer finally says yes, and Melissa is both surprised and pissed off. They’re then forced to go to MISTLETOE, Maine because the small Christmas town won some decoration contest — the plan is to announce that Brian’s leaving on their primetime Christmas Eve show. 

Melissa and Brian’s time in Mistletoe allows them to get to know one another better and UNDERSTAND WHERE THE OTHER IS COMING FROM. Brian only hates Christmas because his family had no money growing up and they could never afford to do anything for it. Melissa used to be more chill before the chillness caused her to lose out on a HUGE CAREER OPPORTUNITY. Both have worked very hard (or so they say!) to get where they are. Through the JOYS OF CHRISTMAS and the MAGIC OF MISTLETOE, MAINE, Melissa and Brian fall in love. Brian dumps his (annoying) girlfriend and bails on the dumb reality show she pitched for them so he can stay on as an anchor with Melissa. THANK GOD.

I knew within moments that I was going to love this movie. First, I can never say no to a fictionalized morning show — second, I LOVE romantic leads that can’t stand each other at first. Gimme antagonism over boring flirtation ANY. DAY. OF. THE. WEEK. I do question how they only realized they were perfect for each another A YEAR AFTER WORKING TOGETHER, but I was here for it. More content like this.

Rating: 3.25 out of 4 📹

8. Dear Christmas 🎧

Natalie INEXPLICABLY hosts a holiday-specific podcast about true love even though she’s never experienced it. The only relationship she speaks to is one in which the guy liked her TOO MUCH (poor Natalie). Apparently, this podcast is award-winning and the TOP PODCAST IN AMERICA even though it only comes out on holidays? IDK. Anyway, Natalie goes home for Christmas and on her way gets a flat tire. This guy, Chris Massey, drives a tow truck and helps her change the tire. He also has hot chocolate in his truck and goes by the name of Mr. Christmas (CHRIS MASSey). Mr. Christmas works a million jobs and keeps bumping into her. He tells Natalie that they were actually in eighth-grade band together, but she doesn’t remember. 

Natalie and Mr. Christmas continue to bump into one another at his various gigs (including his REAL gig, which is making… glass hearts?) and begin to fall in love. Natalie gets scared because she doesn’t think it’s possible to fall in love so quickly (I think she might be right), but she gives in once she finds her eighth-grade journal and sees that she had a crush on him back then. (She’s decided that it’s only true love if she “sees stars” like her parents did, so the star stickers on that page of the journal tell her the love is TRUE.) Also, her sister goes into labor when Natalie’s on her way to a fireman ball (another one of Mr. Christmas’ gigs) and she delivers this iconic line: “I don’t know how long this is going to be.” The “this” being labor. Anyway, the movie ends with them deciding to be together — but we don’t know where they’ll physically end up. Something tells me she could do her only-on-holidays podcast remotely.

Now, as much as I’m delighted by all things MJH, the movies out of her production company, Hartbreak Films (ICONIC), are rarely high in quality. My roommate and I spent a good hour unpacking how Melissa is likely never challenged by her production staff, so the final product is often BAD. MJH is at her best when she’s a lil’ nutty, and this movie was way too vanilla for her. Also, Jason Priestly is NOT GOOD and BORING and DOES NOT EMOTE. I suggest MJH stick with Mario Lopez and Joey Lawrence moving forward. They at least give her something to play off of. Also also, WHY did Ed Begley Jr. and Faith Prince agree to be in this? Does MJH have dirt on them or something?

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🎧 (extra points because MJH)

The Last Line

This is less of a takeaway and more of a fun fact: I learned that in some of these movies, the characters kiss THROUGH PLEXIGLASS to avoid potential transmission of COVID. But… the actors quarantined for two weeks before filming and they’re constantly talking without masks indoors, so I genuinely don’t see a logical reason for the plexiglass. Maybe it felt like a fun “only in 2020!” moment for the books? Also, it was fun to learn that some of these movies were rewritten to make filming them more possible during COVID times. Maybe that’s where all the stories revolving around small (not heavily populated) towns came from!

This week’s most common tropes:

• “We met as CHILDREN and now we’re in love as ADULTS!” (x4)

• The TRUE meaning of Christmas is competitive activities (x3)

• NUMBER ONE [insert production type] IN THE COUNTRY (x2)

• Christmas trees have ~magical~ wish-granting powers (x2)

This week’s representation:

• 3/8 had a lead character who was a person of color.

• 1/8 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+ (although he just barely qualifies as a lead).

• 0/8 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.

• 0/8 had a lead character who was differently-abled.

• 0/8 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.

The actual last line: Am I cynical or is it highly unlikely to know for sure that you’re in love with someone before you ever even kiss them? Chemistry with your words is very different from chemistry WITH YOUR MOUTHS. Am I alone here?

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I’ve officially watched 24 Lifetime/Hallmark/Hallmark Movies & Mysteries holiday movies in under a month (plus a Netflix holiday movie and series). That’s gotta be impressive to someone out there, right? Is anyone impressed? ANYONE?

These movies have taught me important life lessons, like never judging a book (movie) by its cover (title and promo photos). Just because a movie’s called “The Christmas Sport Ball” and shows a bunch of sport-related balls in the promo photo doesn’t mean it won’t have anything compelling for people who hate sports and sporting equipment. You never know! Watching all of these movies has BROADENED MY HORIZONS and made me a better person, and for that I am thankful.

SPEAKING OF THANKFUL (great segue!), I imagine that many of you will be staying home and giving your thanks remotely this year. That means you’ll have PLENTY of time to catch up on these movies and tell me what you think! There WILL be a test the following Monday, and it WILL be worth half your grade.

Enjoy this latest batch of reviews, ya turkeys!

Gobble gobble,
Sarah

1. Never Kiss a Man in a Christmas Sweater 🧶

Maggie is a single mom and teacher who’s preparing to spend Christmas all on her lonesome while her daughter spends time with the ex and his new wife (classic). She sees this guy, Lucas, in YOU GUESSED IT an ugly Christmas sweater and he’s with a kid (his nephew) who falls or something. Maggie and her daughter run over to help and they start chatting. A few days later, Maggie’s trying to carry a tree by herself and knocks the same guy over. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? 

Anyway, Lucas has to go to the hospital and somehow needs surgery on his wrist. She feels bad, he needs a place to stay while he heals because he’s out of town, she offers it. Lucas is a lil’ prickly at first, but then they start working together on this event for these kids whose parents are deployed (so much army). They fall in love over gingerbread houses and kiss on a carriage ride. (Even though they’re staying together, we do not see the presumably sexy aftermath of the kiss.) Lucas is trying to figure out if he wants to return to his fancy architect job and Maggie overhears him, misunderstands the convo, and thinks he’s leaving. He was just going back to NYC to move, but she gets all standoffish. (There’s a VERY dramatic montage of them not talking.) They get over it, he stays in town, and they plan to go to Paris.

This entire movie hinges on the nonexistent saying “Never kiss a man in a Christmas sweater.” Even in the context of the movie, this was not a real saying. But what I found most entertaining about this mediocre movie was that the actress playing the main character gets to live out her best LEADING LADY life on Hallmark — even though she’s relegated to roles like the annoying friend in “Something Borrowed” (a personal fave). Good for you, Ashley Williams. I’m glad to see you working.

Rating: 2 out of 4 🧶

2. Christmas With the Darlings 🧩

Jessica is an executive assistant to this fancy lawyer guy, but she’s about to be promoted to ACTUAL LAWYER at his firm. Before she goes, her boss has ONE LAST FAVOR and it’s to transport his nieces and nephew (who are now in his custody) to their boarding school. Jessica is an angel and refuses to let them spend the holidays alone, so she offers to stay with them at the family house. Fancy lawyer boss’ brother, Max, who’s a playboy (apparently also a secret philanthropist?) and works at the family law firm in name only, cuts his skiing trip short to meet up with the kids.

Jessica, Max, and the kids become an adorable lil’ family (Jessica and Max naturally balance each other out but also learn from one another) while Max also proves to his brother that HE CAN HANDLE MORE PROFESSIONALLY. Jessica and Max fall in love and decide to take care of the kids at the house year-round instead of making them go to boarding school. Jessica also decides to NOT become a corporate lawyer with fancy lawyer boss and instead becomes a FAMILY lawyer. Everyone is happy and finds a good work-life balance, the end.

I genuinely thought this was CUTE. Plus, Max is very aware of how much Jessica is out of his league and it’s good when men understand their place. BEST PART, though, is that Jessica’s best friend is GAY and she ends up dating this BARISTA with a KID. First prominent gay character this season!!

Rating: 3 out of 4 🧩

3. A Very Charming Christmas Town 📸

Oh lord. Aubrey is a VLOGGER/BLOGGER (why wouldn’t her name be Aubrey?) who works with her sister. Oh, and she also apparently was a famous songwriter whose songs were sung by very famous musicians. Importantly, her blog is called “Sights, Styles, Songs, and Sweets.” Anyway, Aubrey’s sister finds this REAL-LIFE CHRISTMAS TOWN and asks if she’ll go do a post on it to be published ON CHRISTMAS.

Aubrey goes alone and is a huge brat about being there. She keeps being rude to this guy, Sawyer, who ends up being the only person who can give her a tour. Obviously, she falls in love with Sawyer and the town, and, obviously, her sister publishes Aubrey’s first draft where she wrote about hating the town AND SAWYER. They get over it once she publishes the updated article — and she also encourages the woman who works at the LOCAL INN to sing a new song she wrote (because she was newly INSPIRED) at some Christmas-y event. Aubrey’s sister goes to the Christmas town, too, and everyone’s happy and festive and in love.

A few things. First, THE CHRISTMAS TOWN IS A REAL TOWN and I will definitely go there if there’s a vaccine next winter. Second, I am SO TIRED of the I’M CUTE BECAUSE I EAT CHOCOLATE thing. Third, everyone calls San Francisco “San Fran” — literally everyone — and I don’t think that’s a thing people who live there say? Fourth, why does Aubrey’s sister insist on editing her work? I would be offended if my sister wouldn’t let me publish on OUR BLOG without going through her first.

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 📸

4. The Christmas Bow 🎻

We OPEN on two little kids at a Christmas party at a music store — one is a violinist, and one talks about how bad he is at singing. Believe it or not, THESE ARE OUR LEADS IN THE PAST! We catch up with Kate decades later and she’s a professional violinist who books the Denver Philharmonic right before SLAMMING HER FINGERS IN A DOOR. She fractures her fingers and has to stop playing for six weeks, unfortunately causing her to miss the Philharmonic concert she was going to play in. Kate returns to Boulder to spend the violin-free holiday time with her fam and bumps into Patrick, her buddy from childhood who couldn’t sing… AND ALSO HER PHYSICAL THERAPIST.

Kate and Patrick reconnect through PT exercises and ~festive things~ with Patrick’s cousin’s kid. (The kid is a terrible wingman and keeps calling Patrick out for being into Kate.) They begin to really like each other, but Patrick is in the running for a traveling doctor gig and Kate is always on tour — neither wants the other to give up their thing. Obviously, they both realize they want to stay in Boulder because all they care about is being with each other. 

A few noteworthy things to discuss. First, Kate is played by a REAL-LIFE VIOLINIST and Patrick is KOSTAS FROM “SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS.” Also, Kate’s grandpa is possibly the HARDEST WORKING ACTOR in Hollywood because I’ve seen him in three things over the past year. (He was also the original Shredder in “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” which is fun to know.) Also also, Patrick’s mom has Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease (“the most common disease no one’s ever heard of”) and uses a wheelchair. FINALLY, the lead actors actually have CHEMISTRY. They kiss a total of three times in the movie, and all three of those times have more passion than all of the other Lifetime/Hallmark/Hallmark Movies & Mysteries kisses put together. A valiant effort, actors.

Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🎻

5. Holly & Ivy 👯‍♂️

TBH I really thought this would be horrible, but… I actually TEARED UP. Melody is a recent grad from LIBRARY SCIENCE SCHOOL and she moves next door to Nina. Nina has two kids named Holly and Ivy because she apparently LOVES CHRISTMAS (but I don’t recall this ever actually being discussed?), and she and Melody become best buds. Melody wants to be a librarian (duh), but all the libraries in the neighborhood don’t have the budget for another hire. In more depressing news, Nina finds out she’s likely dying — Melody says she’ll take care of the kids if that happens.

The problem is that Melody can’t afford to fix up the new house (which is a FIXER UPPER TO BE SURE) and won’t ask for help. LUCKILY, she’s gone on a few dates with this guy (PLAYED BY JEREMY JORDAN) who’s a professional builder of houses and stuff. He brings together everyone he knows and they all fix up her house in time for the home inspection required for Melody to take custody of the kids. (There’s also a B story about doing what you love versus doing what’s practical.) A year passes, Nina dies, and Melody gets to officially adopt the kids (this is where I teared up). The lil’ family is all cute in the renovated house and the guy’s about to propose. Happy ending (except for Nina)!

One really fun thing about this movie is that the two lead women are played by villains from teen TV shows. The actress who plays Melody also played Mona on “Pretty Little Liars,” so I was very used to seeing her be scary and murderous and faux sweet. Her character in this movie was very damaged and very obsessed with Nina’s family — if they changed up the editing a bit and added in spooky music, it absolutely would’ve worked as a horror movie in parts. Mona/Melody/Janel Parrish can be VERY SCARY.

Rating: 3 out of 4 👯‍♂️

6. Christmas on the Vine 🍷

We looooove a character who works in ~marketing~. Apparently, Brooke is a *very* skilled marketing exec. She asks if her next client can be this small winery in her hometown so she can soak up some of that small-town magic over the holidays. Naturally, the guy she’s working with, Tyler, is someone she remembers from high school.

Brooke is not especially good at marketing — her best ideas are a special holiday wine blend (which she finds a recipe for in Tyler’s grandpa’s notes) and a cheesy commercial where she dresses up as an elf and Tyler dresses up as Santa. (She thinks this’ll play REALLY well in Portland and Seattle.) OH to be celebrated for mediocrity. Anyway, Brooke and Tyler fall in love and she saves their small winery from having to sell to a bigger wine company. SMALL BUSINESS WINS AGAIN.

Aside from Brooke’s professional mediocrity, there were three things that really bothered me. First, the winery has a Christmas Eve deadline of accepting the bigger winery’s offer to buy them out. I know these movies aren’t realistic, but couldn’t they have TRIED to make this sound more plausible? Like, the first day after the New Year? Or maybe the last *working* day before Christmas? Second, Brooke talks about how much better her sister’s life is than hers just because she’s in a relationship even though she’s an EXECUTIVE who’s getting paid to barely work in her hometown. Third, Brooke says her “heart isn’t in marketing.” 🤔

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🍷

7. Christmas on Wheels 🚗

Ashley and Duncan get off on the WRONG FOOT at an auction — Ashley is an antique dealer (I think?) and Duncan is in real estate law. Their paths cross again when Ashley goes home after her uncle breaks his ankle because Duncan is her uncle’s real estate lawyer. (Small world!) Apparently, Ashley’s uncle sold her mom’s old red convertible with Duncan’s help because it wasn’t working. Ashley’s v sad because, before her mom died, they used to drive around in the convertible and give people gifts over the holidays.

Ashley and Duncan go on a road trip to try to locate the car and get it back. Once they find the car and the owner gives it back to her (nice guy!), we discover that the car is magic (?) and randomly plays old-timey Christmas songs (??). Fast forward through some other stuff and we learn the car can only move when people who love each other are in it… but nobody really explains the logic or seems all that surprised? (I guess Ashley’s uncle doesn’t love his girlfriend and the other owners were loveless as well?) Also, wasn’t there a v scary horror movie where a car was alive and did murdery things? Or do we think this is more of a “Herbie: Fully Loaded” situation? Anyway, Ashley and Duncan fall in love (duh), so they can drive the car. The movie ends with them dancing in front of the car, which very clearly has a mind of its own (DANGER). (I would’ve preferred a flying convertible a la “Grease.”) I don’t believe they kiss AT ALL, which is disappointing.

Tiya Sircar, the actress who plays Ashley, was in one of my fave Lifetime movies last year, so I love her. That said, I had pretty low expectations given the whole CAR OF IT ALL. (I didn’t think a movie about cars would RESONATE with me because I don’t care about them and I can’t even drive them legally.) Thankfully, Tiya is delightful to watch, and the movie was much better than I anticipated (aside from the unexplained magic car thing). ALSO, a man who works at a tree farm mentions his HUSBAND. Also also, importantly, I used to have a compulsion where I would whisper “red convertible” under my breath every time I saw one. I know that sounds pretty benign, but it was very distressing when a lot of red convertibles would pass by!

Rating: 2.75 out of 4 🚗

8. Christmas in Vienna 🇦🇹

Jess is a violinist who’s lost the JOY of playing. Still, she gets to perform with the Vienna Philharmonic (another Philharmonic!) over Christmas, so she takes the opportunity for a little vacay. She meets up with her Austrian roommate from college who now works as a babysitter for this diplomat guy’s kids. The sort-of diplomat (he’s actually a minister?), Mark, separately bumps into Jess and they share a moment IN THE SQUARE amidst ~festive Vienna things.~ They even look back at one another once they walk away, which everyone knows is the universal sign for “I’d hit it.” They bump into each other again at some fancy event and Mark is randomly very rude to Jess… I guess we later find out it’s because of EMOTIONAL WALLS? It just felt rude to me!

Anyway, Austrian roommate ends up getting the chance to sell her crafts in this Christmas fair and asks Jess if she’ll watch the kids for her during the day. Jess agrees and takes the kids along with her as she sightsees. They have a grand ol’ time and Mark starts inviting Jess to additional outings with the family. Jess also teaches the youngest kid violin and seems to get back into it herself. Once Jess and Mark begin falling in love, she finds out Mark was offered a job in Zurich that would get him one step closer to being an actual diplomat. But since true love prevails, he ends up staying (the fact that he doesn’t want to uproot his kids seems secondary) — but only after getting mad at Jess for suggesting he stay (because of his kids). They make up, he says he wants to be with her and will let down the walls, and, of course, Jess joins the Vienna Philharmonic. (The Austrian roommate also gets a boyfriend, so good for her!)

This movie was NOT GOOD, but I did enjoy seeing what’s-her-face from “Grey’s Anatomy” and the creepy host from “UnReal.” Aside from that, I really did not sense any romantic vibes between the leads in about 80% of the movie. Sure, being closed off could mean you’re not necessarily allowing for CHEMISTRY, but he’s just kind of obnoxious and uptight. I’m genuinely not sure why Jess is interested, unless it’s because of the tiny little kernels of affection he gives her every once in a while. Either this was bad acting or Jess needs to unpack this with a therapist.

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🇦🇹

The Last Line

I have no idea how these channels determine their holiday programming given the number of movies they have to schedule, but it feels like we’re entering ~PRIME TIME~ and shit’s about to get real good. We’re starting to see some LGBTQ+ characters and the first-ever Lifetime and Hallmark movies with LGBTQ+ leads are coming in the next few weeks. (We’ll probably have to wait another decade or so to see any queer women leads, ugh.) Plus, Melissa Joan Hart’s RETURN TO THE LIFETIME SCREEN happens just over a week from now and she’s DEFINITELY a headliner. (Candace Cameron Bure WHO?)

This week’s most common tropes:

• “I’ll love these youths as if they were my own!” (x4)

• “We met as CHILDREN and now we’re in love as ADULTS!” (x3)

• “Goodbye, BIG CITY! This SMALL TOWN is where I belong!” (x3)

• Uninspired creator finds inspiration through ~love~ (x2)

This week’s representation:

• 4/8 movies had a lead character who was a person of color.

• 0/8 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+ (but 1 supporting and 1 side character were!).

• 0/8 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.

• 0/8 had a lead character who was differently-abled (but 1 side character was!).

• 0/8 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.

The actual last line: Why would Hallmark release two (2) movies about violinists and Philharmonics in under a week? And why, oh why would one star a real violinist and the other one not? The mind REELS.

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We made it through another week of 2020… only seven more to go. What I appreciate most about the passage of time (other than 2020 finally ending) is that now other people are starting to watch holiday movies, too. I watched my first one at the end of October, BEFORE HALLOWEEN, because of the sheer volume of made-for-TV holiday movies nobody asked me to watch before the end of the year. Now that it’s essentially mid-November, I’m far from the only one. And you’re all in this with me. 🙂

I also watched A LOT of these movies last year. But now that I’m watching ALL of them, I firmly believe I could write, produce, and star in a fairly successful Lifetime, Hallmark, or (don’t forget!) Hallmark Movies & Mysteries made-for-TV holiday movie. If anyone knows any investors, I’m open to at least having a conversation.

As I begin storyboarding my contribution to the genre (my magnum opus), please enjoy this installment of reviews. Thank you for your patronage.

Christmas wishes and mistletoe kisses,
Sarah

P.S. Donate to the Georgia Democratic Senate candidates if you can, and sage a bunch or pray to Stacey Abrams (whatever your thing is) for a majority.

1. Candy Cane Christmas 💐

Phoebe CANNOT STOP TALKING about this Christmas event she’s been going to every year of her life. Sorry, Phoebs — no more Candy Lane this year. Phoebe’s best friend (who she co-owns a plant shop with called “Seeing Green,” of course, and who has an infinitely better personality) says STFU about Candy Lane and find a new tradition. So, she starts doing all of this volunteering (okay, I guess she’s a decent human) and keeps crossing paths with, DUH, a handsome man.

Eric’s a vet and seemingly an angel, but he got out of a really bad breakup a year ago. His co-worker friend (who’s absolute trash but entertaining) keeps trying to hook him up with people. Anyway, there’s a misunderstanding where Phoebe thinks he’s in a relationship (he bought poinsettias for his aunt from the store but Phoebe thought they were for a girlfriend), but they eventually realize they both like each other. It’s almost ruined when Phoebe overhears trash co-worker talking about Eric’s ex reaching out, but then Eric goes WAY TOO OUT OF HIS WAY to RECREATE Candy Lane at his aunt’s retirement home. It looks pretty good considering, but apparently he couldn’t get Santa. They find some hidden pocket between trees and FINALLY KISS.

Honestly, I didn’t hate this one. It almost felt like a normal romcom, only at the last minute they decided to make it completely G-rated and air it on Lifetime. (The way trash co-worker talked made me think they reigned his character in: “Hayley doesn’t have to be your soulmate, but maybe you can have a couple nice dinners with her.”) Mostly, I enjoyed the animals at the vet (there was a very cute cat scene) and the best friend who kept Phoebe’s annoying Candy Lane-obsessed ass in check.

Rating: 3 out of 4 💐

2. One Royal Holiday 👑

WHAT A TREAT seeing Broadway actors in a Hallmark made-for-TV holiday movie. Apparently Laura Osnes, the lead actress, won some musical theatre competition reality show and got to play Sandy in “Grease” on Broadway, but this is what she’s doing with her career now. Aaron Tveit, of course, we all know as Alice Ripley’s ghost son.

ANYWAY, Anna is a nurse who basically acts like a Disney princess (no flaws, always cheerful, annoying). She’s driving home to her dad’s inn in a CHRISTMAS TOWN and stops at Hallmark’s version of Dunkin Donuts (they’re in Boston). This prince, James, is also randomly there (with his quarantine hair) — along with his queen mom (king has passed) and righthand guy. There’s about to be a snowstorm and their flight gets canceled. Anna offers to drive them to the inn so they can stay there until they fly out. At first, James is like OH NO I’M A PRINCE I CAN’T DO THIS and he’s a brat about literally everything.

Eventually, James sees the magic of a NON-ROYAL Christmas, and, duh, they fall in love. (They also discover that Anna was actually the king’s nurse when he was really sick and incognito in Boston, so that kind of sealed the deal.) So do Anna’s best friend (the mayor!) and James’ best friend/righthand man. (Side note: The queen talked to the mayor as if they were on the same level of royalty and I found that very endearing.) Part of them falling in love involves singing Christmas carols and everyone, inexplicably, is a Broadway-caliber singer. BUT LITERALLY NO ONE SAYS A WORD. If someone started singing next to you and magically could sing like a GD angel, wouldn’t you like… widen your eyes or something? Or is it more polite to just pretend you don’t notice?

Anyway, he has to fly back to his made-up European country, Galwick, to give a speech (which he completely screwed up the year prior) and he does it PERFECTLY because he’s FOUND LOVE. Obviously, he flies back in time for the Christmas ball Anna and the town put on at the inn.

Rating: 2.75 out of 4 👑

3. Cranberry Christmas 🍒

There’s just something about a movie with a character who runs a “lifestyle brand” that makes my ears perk up, but, unfortunately, Dawn is not an influencer like I was hoping. She instead seems to be some kind of Martha Stewart deal who started from the bottom (selling ornaments at a Christmas festival) and now she’s here (featured in a segment on daytime television). Dawn and her husband, Gabe, are sadly on the outs. He’s a cranberry farmer and that’s what he cares about — she’s all about her LIFESTYLE BRAND. They don’t know how to fix things, so they decide to take some time apart.

The problem is that they both show up at their town’s big Christmas festival, and fake Oprah (I deduced this because she has a daytime talk show PLUS her own channel and is beloved) wants to film the whole thing. They don’t want people to know about their separation (which seems very NOT official), so they put on an act for the cameras. Of course, somewhere along the way, they ~rekindle~ the flame. Fake Oprah also offers them their own TV show, and instead of letting it tear them apart like every other professional venture in their past, Dawn finds a way for them to film the cranberry farm’s expansion instead of focusing only on the LIFESTYLE BRAND (which Gabe HATES and steps down from in the movie).

As vanilla as the plot was, I actually enjoyed it (despite what I predicted based on the promo photo and title). Seeing a separated couple work through their problems and reconcile made me feel a little… warm and fuzzy? (This is porn for kids of divorce like me.) I also learned that when the characters are genuinely dealing with pain or a conflict bigger than OH NO, I ONLY HAVE A WEEK TO PLAN A CHRISTMAS BALL, I care INFINITELY more about them.

Rating: 3 out of 4 🍒

4. The Christmas Aunt 💌

We love to see Rudy Huxtable in a Lifetime movie, a predominately Black cast (first I’ve seen this season), and a lead who isn’t stick thin. We truly do. But the movie itself was… not great.

Rebecca works at an art gallery (she’s some sort of assistant?) and she works HARD. Her sister and her husband are going to Africa because rates are cheaper before the holidays and their mom, who was supposed to babysit the kids, breaks her leg and can’t really do anything. Somehow Rebecca is able to get two weeks off of work STARTING THAT DAY, under the guise of “working remotely.” Yes, Rebecca answers a few texts and calls, but there is NO WAY she actually gets any work done. This is because she has to somehow make Christmas not suck for her niece and nephew (get it? THE CHRISTMAS AUNT) — a task which involves putting together 12 days of Christmas fun.

She ends up bumping into her childhood best friend, Drew, but they haven’t really spoken since Drew unceremoniously dropped her. You see, Drew was dating this awful person who said he couldn’t be friends with Rebecca anymore — turns out it was because HE WAS IN LOVE WITH HER. Anyway, obviously, they fall back in love and she ends up leaving her LA gallery job and moves back home to Nashville, where she becomes a curator for a local art center.

My theory with these movies is that the actors never get enough time to actually sit with a character and give them any sort of dimension. Can one really make ART from a script like this? Anyway, Rudy Huxtable did her best. And she is GD delightful (even if her primary motivation is BE A GREAT CHRISTMAS AUNT).

Rating: 2 out of 4 💌

5. On the 12th Date of Christmas 📱

Before I get into the review, one thing. I’m *always* here for a made-up startup. But I genuinely have never heard of a company that just does… marketing via scavenger hunt? Is the ROI pretty good on that? Should I consider it for this newsletter?

Anyway, Jennifer is an employee at this weird scavenger hunt startup who LOVES CHRISTMAS. She really wants this “head game creator” promotion, but she also apparently “doesn’t exactly speak up at work” according to her roommate. Jennifer is convinced that baking a shit ton of cookies will get her everywhere she wants to go, but the only place her grandma wants her to go is away from the big city and BACK HOME. She gets placed on this big project for a fancy hotel with this really unpleasant tech bro named Aidan. He is truly every male product manager you’ve ever worked with, but for some reason he’s also a “game creator.”

Jennifer and Aidan have to come up with the “12 dates of Christmas” to get people excited about the hotel. Aidan works better alone, but Jennifer is best at collaborating. CONFLICT. Eventually, they start working really well together and… wait for it… FALL IN LOVE. Aidan also wants the promotion (because his sister’s house needs repair and his dad needs surgery) and is sure he got it once their boss asks to talk to him about the job. (Typical tech bro.) It’s actually JENNIFER who gets it. (I literally wrote in my notes: “GIRL POWER.”) Aidan gets another promotion, duh, but he’s taken off creative (because the man did not have a creative bone in his body).

As much as Aidan is truly the worst type of tech bro/mediocre white male, I kind of enjoyed the departure from the sunshine-y characters in most of these movies. Jennifer, on the other hand, was definitely dealing with impostor syndrome and IT RESONATED. In general, this movie should be oddly familiar for anyone working in tech.

Rating: 3.25 out of 4 📱

6. The Christmas Yule Blog 🌵

Where do I begin? With a title like “The Christmas Yule Blog,” you’d think I’d be all over this like icing on a sugar cookie. YOU’D BE WRONG. Before we get into what actually happened, I have a few bones to pick with the writer of this movie. This character is meant to be a fairly prominent travel blogger based out of San Francisco, right? Travel blogging isn’t exactly an easy kind of job to get — especially the kind that has an entire office and pays for your travel. So, you’d think that she’d be good at writing. Or even at least okay at writing.

The thing is… THIS TRAVEL BLOGGER DOESN’T WRITE. People tell her they love reading her stuff and that she’s a great writer. She even says the following lines: “I’m a writer. I understand subtext.” But all we see are iPhone videos with some photos edited in! I would get it if the videos were PART of a written blog post, but there is zero evidence of that. And she does not prepare AT ALL for any of the posts. They’re just off-the-cuff videos. Reminder: SHE IS A WRITER, not an influencer. Has the whole world gone topsy turvy?

Anyway. This pretend writer (by the way, Lifetime’s website says “social media travel writer” and that is NOT how it’s explained in the movie), Caroline, apparently isn’t writing about travel ~from the heart~ enough. So, her editor sends her to this small New Mexico CHRISTMAS TOWN (which is also where she’s from) to cover this “famous” Christmas parade. The trip ends up just being a ruse because her boss wants her to… understand the true meaning of Christmas? And maybe hook up with her brother? It’s unclear, but we know that before the trip, Caroline doesn’t have time for Christmas (classic). But it’s her editor’s brother, Oscar, who opens her eyes up to the MAGIC OF SMALL TOWN CHRISTMAS.

Caroline turns down her DREAM JOB at a major magazine to keep “travel writing” from New Mexico with Oscar and his son. Also… Santa is 100% real and co-owns an inn with his wife. This is only sometimes the case in other Lifetime movies, so I don’t think they all live in the same universe (although last year’s Winter Storm Meghan would make you think otherwise).

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🌵

7. A Welcome Home Christmas 🇺🇸

This movie was 100% built around the idea that people love watching YouTube videos of soldiers returning home and being reunited with their dogs. Because they do! It pulls at the heart strings! Why not make a whole movie around that?

While Chloe doesn’t really strike me as a particularly capable soldier, she got back from deployment about a year ago. She finds herself a temporary gig providing counseling to veterans transitioning back into civilian life. (That doesn’t feel at all like a temporary gig to me, but okay!) But since it’s totally okay to shirk all professional responsibilities around the holidays, Chloe is spending more time volunteering than doing her actual job (which is a really cool job that also helps people?).

Chloe’s next case is Michael and he’s having trouble acclimating. They decide to start a toy drive and call it “Operation Santa Claus” and go on and on about how great of a name it is (it’s not). Nobody wants to donate, so they use Chloe’s Little Sister (like from a Big Sister/Little Sister program) to manipulate people into contributing. I found that morally reprehensible, but it’s for a good cause I guess?

Anyhoo, they fall in love, yada yada yada, but also somehow the REAL SANTA replaces their hired fake Santa who calls in sick and then also brings the Little Sister’s parents home from war. THEN Michael is reunited with his dog from the war. So wholesome. So patriotic.

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 🇺🇸

8. The Christmas Ring 💍

ANOTHER MOVIE ABOUT A WRITER. I must have done something great in a past life to deserve this. Kendra is a writer of listicles and quizzes for a fake BuzzFeed site called “Quizzer.” She has two main personality traits: she wants to be a REAL JOURNALIST and she LOVES sugar. Anyway, Kendra’s parents died and she hasn’t been able to find her mother’s engagement ring, so she searches for it at every antique store she comes across. She finds a very similar ring with an inscription and knows there must be a STORY. 

Kendra asks her boss if she can write the ring story instead, and she says no because she only cares about clicks and ad space (she actually says these things). So, Kendra takes a few personal days to research on her own time and her investigation takes her to Pine Grove, MA. Kendra keeps bumping into this guy and it turns out he’s the grandson of the ring’s owner (now deceased, along with her husband) and the ex of a real estate development heiress (Tiffany Trump?), Michael Jones. At first he thinks she’s only there to interview him (which, to be fair, Quizzer wants to do and her editor requests she does once she hears he’s involved), but then he decides to help her investigate. In the end, they figure out why the ring was sold (long story) and fall in love. (They also kiss for the first time with an entire 40 minutes left! A record!)

Kendra writes her article and turns it in the way she wants it to be, but in a move I saw from a mile away, the editor rewrites it to make it all about Michael’s drama. Michael gets mad, duh, but Kendra quits her job and gets Michael’s sister-in-law (the editor-in-chief of the local paper!) to publish her REAL article. Kendra ends the article with a request to meet her at the dance that culminates a week of Christmas events (where Michael’s grandparents met and got engaged). He meets her, they make up, and he gives her back the ring — on a chain as a necklace, RELAX. Kendra says she’s starting an online mag like Michael suggested (so easy!) and Michael says he’s moving to Boston (where she lives) to start a new real estate venture. (Also, Michael’s brother doesn’t sell the family’s general store and that’s important, too.)

Rating: 2.75 out of 4 💍

The Last Line

My biggest takeaway after watching 16 of this year’s made-for-TV holiday movies is that all of these characters have families and friends who are WAY TOO invested in their romantic lives. If they so much as mention someone of the opposite sex (they’re all straight), someone raises their eyebrows suggestively or says something like “I’ve never seen you this happy.” IT’S VERY BIZARRE. The thirst is unquenchable.

This week’s most common tropes:

• An idyllic Christmas town (x4)

• No one cares if you do any work ever when it’s Christmas! (x3)

• “You’re telling me… Santa’s real?” (x2)

• Naysayer comes around to the ~true~ meaning of Christmas (x2)

This week’s representation:

• 3/8 had a lead character who was a person of color.

• 0/8 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+.

• 1/8 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.

• 0/8 had a lead character who was differently-abled.

• 0/8 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.

The actual last line: I want to be a journalist in a Lifetime movie. It seems so easy, both in terms of the work itself and finding love while working. Let me know if anyone’s hiring.

TY for reading! If you were forwarded this email, subscribe here.

I am very happy (ecstatic, even!) to welcome you to the first-ever issue of the Leading Lady of Lifetime newsletter. TBH, after the week (month? year?) we’ve had, this newsletter almost didn’t happen — what do we need holiday cheer for when democracy is on its death bed? However, now that things are 🤞 looking up, I’m feeling a bit more festive.

So, between now and 12/23, I’ll be watching, recapping, and reviewing ~every~ made-for-TV holiday movie released by Lifetime, Hallmark, and, of course, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries. Every week, you’ll get an email with ~8 of these movies analyzed, unpacked, and celebrated. Critiques worthy of the beautiful art they are critiquing. 

Enjoy!
Your Leading Lady of Lifetime, Sarah

1. Christmas on Ice ❄️

We’re starting off strong with a tale of nepotism, small business struggles, figure skaters versus hockey players, and oops-I-dropped-my-papers meet-cutes. Courtney is a former figure skater who runs a quaint lil’ skating rink, and Noah is a famous hockey player who owns a big ol’ skating complex nearby. The mayor says the city can’t pay for the dinky rink-y anymore, so Courtney tries to figure out a way to save the day. Noah likes the skating classes Courtney offers (his daughter’s a student!) and decides to help. They start falling in love, Courtney realizes Noah’s the mayor’s son-in-law (this causes some conflict), and she manipulates (just being honest here) the mayor into memorializing the rink — and funding it with a separate, underused budget — in honor of his daughter who passed.

More important than the plot is what’s become even more clear in my THIRD year of watching these movies: The actors, location, and other specifics are all meaningless and interchangeable. They are but a blank canvas for a random combination of tropes to be haphazardly flung upon. Lifetime (and Hallmark) know what the people want. FORMULA. REQUITED ROMANCE. PEOPLE WHOSE MOST SUBSTANTIAL PERSONALITY TRAIT IS LOVING CHRISTMAS.

This one was fine enough, but I was confused by two main things: Why is the mayor’s assistant or whatever a part-time, very emotionally (and seemingly financially) invested elf and no one ever questions it? Why oh why is the town newspaper called “Telegram and Gazette”? Perhaps this confusion is the real meaning of Christmas.

Rating: 2.5 out of 4 ❄️

2. Jingle Bell Bride 🔔

I hate to be losing my edge so early on, but this one was pretty delightful. This, of course, fell into many, MANY of the tropes — but I have to give it props for the casting and the ending.

First, the two main characters, Jessica and Matt, are played by people of color — something that’s VERY RARE for Hallmark. Second, almost all of the made-for-TV movies that start with a woman in a big city who has a HIGH-POWERED CAREER and NO TIME FOR SENTIMENTALITIES like CHRISTMAS OR FAMILY culminate with the woman leaving her career and city behind to live in a small Christmas town with a man who has an appreciation for the simple things.

TBH I have no idea if Jessica continues her career as a wedding planner after her boss and co-worker screw her over — they kick her off the planning of a wedding when she’s literally TRAPPED in the Alaskan town she went to for the bride’s STUPID CHRISTMAS FLOWERS — but Matt leaves the small Christmas town behind and moves to New York for HER (and also the university job he left behind after a painful divorce).

Also, the two leads generally didn’t suck and weren’t too boring. This is pretty much as good as it gets for Hallmark.

Rating: 3.25 out of 4 🔔

3. Christmas Unwrapped 📰

Nothing delights me quite as much as a made-for-TV holiday movie with a character who’s a “journalist.” Charity (wow) really wants to become a REAL JOURNALIST, but she’s historically just been a BLOGGER. Apparently she was hired by this newspaper (which might be the New York Post?) without her editor ever having read her writing. It also appears the world is like reverse Toy Story and nobody has their own lives outside the main character.

Now, it’s important to first understand that Charity believes in COLD HARD FACTS, NOT Santa. Anyway, Charity’s first writing assignment is this exposé about this guy who runs a charity (WOW), Erik, and where he really gets the money for the countless gifts he hands out every Christmas. Turns out the benefactor is Santa (THE Santa), but Charity’s editor thinks there’s something FISHY going on. After Charity finds out the truth, she doesn’t want to write an inflammatory article and quits the paper, but the editor writes and publishes her own (mean) article under Charity’s name. There’s some momentary drama before the stars reconcile, but, of course, they’re completely in love by the end of the 12 days of Christmas. Charity writes a blog post about believing in Santa, it goes viral, and she gets an offer from “The Times.”

Things I learned about journalism from this movie: Sometimes speculation is enough, you can get hired as a reporter without ever doing any reporting, and the New York Times will hire you in a heartbeat if you very publicly believe in Santa. 

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 📰

4. Forever Christmas 📹

Fun fact about this one: It was actually released in CANADA in 2018 with the title “Mr. 365” and it was SO BELOVED that they brought it stateside to Lifetime with the title “Forever Christmas.” What’s especially fun about that fact is that they say “Mr. 365” a whole lot, which works a lot less with the new title. Why the new title at all? Did it somehow add value to the movie? I would say no. Also, a cursory search led me to believe that the original movie was a bit more SENSUAL. That’s too bad because that’s really what was missing from this iteration. I think I disliked this movie more because it had been deemed worthy of revival two years after the fact.

One interesting aspect was that the lead actress was on the TV show “Unreal,” which is about what goes on behind the scenes on shows like the Bachelor — this movie was about ANOTHER REALITY SHOW. The reality show appeared to only happen like once every few months, though, because they had a Christmas episode followed by a Valentine’s Day episode. Maybe they’re mini docs?

Anyway, the reality show focused on this guy whose entire house is always decorated for Christmas, so he essentially celebrates Christmas 365 days a year (Mr. 365, forever Christmas, etc.). The “Unreal” actress plays Sophie, a producer who’s on the cusp of career failure — and THIS SHOW IS HER CHANCE to MAKE GOOD. She is a terrible producer, but she obviously does a fantastic job in the world of the movie and she and Mr. 365 fall in love. It was touch and go for a moment there, though, because Mr. 365 felt used after seeing a very inflammatory first cut of a trailer featuring a therapist making a judgment about him. (It was, no exaggeration, the worst trailer I have ever seen in my entire life.) Sophie takes over editing the episode (which seems to be about two minutes long) to save it (she does) and then quits because she apparently had no idea that lies and manipulation were a part of producing reality TV.

As trash as the movie was, there was one truly masterful line: “If you’ll have me, Sophie, I’m yours. 365 days a year.” Pure poetry.

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 📹

5. Christmas Tree Lane 🎄

Another classic tale of SMALL, FAMILY-OWNED BUSINESS meets BIG BUSINESS — or in this case… BIG INVESTMENT FIRM? But that’s not all: It’s also the story of a woman, Meg, who decided long ago to give up on her dreams of becoming a songwriter and teach music instead. (Someone mean in the music biz told her she couldn’t have a singing career with her Joni Mitchell-wannabe songs. Which, fair — they’re not great.) Anyway, Meg’s small, family-owned business is a music shop where she also gives hybrid voice/piano lessons, and, get this — it’s on a street called CHRISTMAS TREE LANE.

Apparently Christmas Tree Lane is a historic street (that can’t possibly have any value outside the Christmas season) and the big bad investment firm thinks it’s old news. The guy who runs this company is pulling a Benny and wants to replace the stores on the street with a cyberland or something. As luck (or not!) would have it, investment firm boss’ son, Nate, keeps bumping into Meg. At first, he doesn’t realize his dad is trying to ruin her life.

Meg leads a street-wide operation to prove that people still like Christmas Tree Lane, and Nate helps out. There’s a brief snag when he tells her he’s working at the big bad investment firm with his dad, but then his enlisting of an ex lover/current lawyer to help makes it all okay. The operation culminates in a live concert, of course, and you won’t believe what happens next: MEG SINGS and EVERYONE LOVES IT. (Is it good? No. Does anyone care? Also no.) Investment Dad gets sentimental because of the concert (and some pastries he bought on Christmas Tree Lane as a child?) and agrees to meet them halfway. CHRISTMAS TREE LANE IS SAVED! I imagine the same thing happens again when literally no one shows up starting December 26th.

Rating: 2 out of 4 🎄

6. Chateau Christmas 🎹

This movie opens on Margot, a famous pianist living in New York City. She can’t go home for the holidays because of her VERY BUSY concert schedule. Unfortunately, the venue for one (all?) of the concerts has some electrical issue or something and she ends up surprising her family at the hotel they’re all staying at in their hometown.

I never would’ve seen this coming, but Margot’s ex, Jackson, is also at the hotel. He somehow gets guilted into saving the hotel’s Christmas Eve concert after a bunch of musicians drop out. Naturally, Jackson eventually asks Margot to star in the concert. She’s hesitant because a big critic wrote that she had technical talent but NO HEART after a show back in New York City, making her doubt her career entirely. After some urging, she agrees, and they work together to organize what is apparently THE HOTTEST TICKET IN TOWN.

They go to this little shop to get sheet music and Margot recognizes the owner as a FORMER MUSICIAN FROM A FAMOUS QUARTET. They of course have to have the quartet participate in the concert, but one member died, one is the shop owner’s long-lost love, and one is just generally MIA. The romantic leads lie to everyone (well, except the dead guy) and say that the others will participate in the concert if that person agrees to. The lying works, the long-lost lovers reconcile, and Jackson steps in as the fourth musician in their quartet.

The PR guy at the hotel (a college buddy of Margot and Jackson’s) innocently invites the critic who BURNED Margot to the concert and she LOVES Margot’s SOULFUL rendition of “O Holy Night.” Margot confronts mean critic and she acts like her mom and is like, “I just knew you had more in you that you were holding back.”

Even though Margot and Jackson had initially broken up because they wanted different things (she wanted career, he wanted family), the exes obviously realize they’re still in love and that they can have it all.

Rating: 2.5 out of 4 🎹

7. Deliver by Christmas 🐻

Now, THIS one was truly remarkable for one reason and one reason only: It was the first movie produced by Build-A-Bear Entertainment. That’s right, folks — Build-A-Bear started their own production company.

This was the most seamless product placement I have ever encountered. Yes, there was a bear — and yes, a child may have built it. (Although, TBH, I don’t believe anyone mentioned Build-A-Bear explicitly or specified whether or not it was a DIY bear.) The Build-A-Bear in question was a “Christmas Wishes” Build-A-Bear (yes, you can buy them) owned by the son of Josh, the main guy. (“Christmas Wishes” also seemed to be the theme of the town at large.)

While the bear wasn’t itself a love interest (sadly), the “Christmas Wish” the son requested via bear was for Josh to be happy again after his mom died while on deployment. Happy dad = dating dad, which means the bear’s wish gave him the courage to pursue a relationship with Molly, the friendly baker he was unknowingly having two simultaneous flirtations with (one was in person and one was on the phone in what was essentially a prolonged CX conversation). Anyway, everyone gets their “Christmas Wishes,” the end.

Rating: 2.5 out of 4 🐻

8. A Crafty Christmas Romance 💰

Where to even begin? This one was a favorite trope of Hallmark: a mission to return a recently found, very old object (in this case, a letter to Santa and a rare coin) to its original owner. The setting of much of the story is in a craft store which also doubles as a seller of very old things + donation depot. (But because this was not The Christmas Bedbug, there was no mention at all of the dangers of bringing strangers’ items into your home.)

The lead characters, Mandy and Jonah, really couldn’t have had less charm or charisma, and they truly did not seem to have any defining characteristics beyond generous and kind. They also spent a lot of time using every search method other than Google, and even when they did use Google, they were VERY bad at it.

What struck me most by this movie was all the lengths one man will go to to ingratiate himself to someone he finds attractive. There’s no end to what he’ll do! Thankfully, there was a moment of conflict when Mandy accused Jonah of maybe taking the (very valuable) coin because he’s had money troubles. BIG MISTAKE. She eventually gave a worthy apology only once she realized the coin had been in her store the whole time.

Classic Lifetime vanilla mediocrity.

Rating: 1.75 out of 4 💰

The last line 🎬

Just like each made-for-TV holiday movie wraps up with an empty romantic platitude or each Jerry Springer episode closes with his “Final Thought,” I’ll end each issue with my biggest takeaways from the week’s festive binge.

Most common tropes:

• “Do this by [holiday] OR ELSE!” (x5)

• “You look… wow.” (x5)

• An idyllic Christmas town (x4)

• Small business versus big business (x2)

• Local man shows city woman the beauty of ~slowing down~ (x2)

Representation (not a strength for these channels, but they claim to be working on it):

• 3/8 had a lead character who was a person of color.

• 0/8 had a lead character who was LGBTQ+.

• 0/8 had a lead character who was bigger than a size 2.

• 0/8 had a lead character who was differently-abled.

• 0/8 centered on a holiday other than Christmas.

The actual last line: Most of these were pretty bad, but their predictability and resolution in under two hours is the perfect salve for 2020. 💫

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About your leading lady, Sarah:

I am a writer and editor of words about reproductive and sexual health. I also really, really love TV. I was raised celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah, so you can expect a very ~nuanced~ celebration of Holiday cinema. Follow me on IG for my diatribes and ruminations.

Happy Honda Days.

Beautiful art c/o Melanie Smith.